Hello all you happy people out there in fanfic land.
Here's yet another nugget of joy from your Angst
Queen, Aimee. (sarcasm most certainly intended)
Please let me know what you think, because it
encourages me to write more. (uh...or less,
depending on the content of the email)

Disclaimer: Mamo-chan's mine. Get over it. 

Real Disclaimer: Sailor Moon (and Mamo-chan,
darn it) don't belong to me.

Dream Journal
by Aimee--sailor_moon89@hotmail.com

He loved watching her sleep...she was so peaceful.
The serene picture she made, lying there on her bed
brought a smile to Tuxedo Kamen's lips...perhaps
her mother should have named her Serena instead
of Usagi. She lay on her side, her hand resting on
her pillow next to her face...her sad face, Mamoru
noted, his smile fading.

Golden strands of hair swayed gently, moved by
her warm breath. Tuxedo Kamen knelt before her
bed, and brushed a few soft strands away from her
face. Careful not to wake her, he traced his finger
across her cheekbone...she's lost weight, he told
himself, angrily.

To say Mamoru hated himself would be the
understatement of the year. Utterly despised,
loathed, detested--these adjectives draw us
much closer to this man's feelings toward himself.

**FLASHBACK** 

"I give up," she had told him in a quiet voice.

"Excuse me?" he asked, not sure if he had heard
correctly.

"I give up," she repeated, looking at the ground
in defeat as she spoke. "You keep telling me you
don't love me--I don't want to believe it, but I
guess it's true. After all, why would you lie to
me? So, I'm giving up. I release you, Mamoru--
forever."

He couldn't move. He couldn't think. He couldn't speak. 

Giving up? Why was she giving up? She can't
do that! He loved her! He needed her! But this
was what he wanted, wasn't it? Wasn't it?!

She looked up into his confused eyes, trying
to hide the tears in her own as she smiled a
very genuine and very sweet smile. "Have a
nice day, Mamoru. You'll have a friend
in me if you ever need one."

With that, she planted a warm kiss on his
cheek, and walked away.

**END FLASHBACK** 

Mamoru's heart literally ached at the remembrance
of that sweet, sweet smile she had donned just for
him. It was like a breath of fresh air and a cold slap
in the face at the same time. The smile was what did
him in. It woke him up. It told him exactly how much
Usagi truly loved him.

This was the least he could do.

Reaching into his jacket, Tuxedo Kamen pulled out a
book. He held it hesitantly for a moment, unsure
whether or not to part with it.

This is right, he told himself. She needs to know.

Careful not to wake the slumbering girl, he placed
the book and a thornless-rose on her pillow and
under her hand. Gently leaning over her, he tenderly
kissed Usagi's temple--something he hadn't done in
far too long. He felt her shutter slightly under his lips,
and pulled the covers up higher to warm her.

Before departing, he whispered in her hair, "I love
you, Usako. More than you'll ever know."

Usagi moaned softly, suddenly feeling very warm
and comfortable. "Mamo-chan?" she mumbled in
a state of somnambulism. Her eyes slowly opened
and looked around the room.

Nothing.

"Must have been dreaming..." Usagi spoke softly,
still half asleep. She subconsciously held the rose
that had been placed under her hand. She smiled
as it's scent gently fanned her face.

"Wait a second..." Usagi forced her eyes open,
and stared at the rose and the book, not fully
comprehending what they were for a moment
or two. She sat up quickly.

"Tuxedo Kamen?" she asked, looking around for
the masked man. She clutched the rose as she
stumbled to her open window. Looking outside
hopefully, she was disappointed to be met only
by the gaze of the moon...nothing else.

"Mamo-chan..." she whispered brokenly. The tears
she cried weren't the first ones shed today--she had
wept a good portion of the evening after her encounter
with Mamoru. Her head told her to move on...get
over him...get a life...get a new guy. But her heart
urged her to never give up.

Today had been the first day she had listened to her
head instead of her heart, and it hurt like nothing she
had ever felt before.

"I release you, Mamoru--forever."

The words played over and over in her head. Part of
her hated herself for saying them, but part of her told
her it was for the best. Wiping away hot tears, the
tired Usagi returned to her bed, and once again spotted
the book on her pillow. In her rush to the window, she
hadn't really paid much attention to it.

What was it anyway? It was definitely from Mamoru,
she was sure of that. Who, but him would climb into her
bedroom leaving roses? Usagi scowled, hoping the book
wasn't something harsh--like "How To Get Over Your
Boyfriend," or "Ten Steps To Overcoming Klutziness."

She picked it up from her pillow and ran her fingers
down the front, admiring the craftsmanship. The book
was leather--the expensive kind-- it's musky smell
drifted up to Usagi and she breathed deep of it.

Turning on a lamp beside her bed, Usagi squinted to
read the text printed on the cover. A confused look
came over her features as her fingers traced the gold
letters on the front.

Dream Journal.

Dream Journal? Usagi wondered. Why would he
give me this? Maybe it wasn't from Mamoru
after all. Opening the front cover, and glancing
over the handwritten pages struck that idea. It was
clearly Mamoru's handwriting. Still openly confused,
Usagi opened the book, hoping to figure out what
he was up to.

The inscription on the inside cover was transcribed
in a loving and controlled penmanship...the writing
of a teacher, or close friend.

It read:

	"July 16th, 1988. To my favorite
	little boy. Sweet dreams, Mamoru,
	and don't forget me."

No name followed the inscription, sparking
curiosity in Usagi. She turned to the first page,
her gaze falling upon the first journal entry. There
she found the careful scribblings of a child's first
attempts at cursive handwriting.

	"My nurse said my dreams are the
	key to my soul--what that means,
	I can't say. Maybe one day, I'll
	understand, but until that day,
	this journal will be my new best
	friend."

The journal entries went on to describe a typical
child's dreams. Of carefree adventures through
mysterious lands and dangerous extremes. Of
dragons and knights. Of super heroes and
damsels in distress. Of distant lands where
nobody ever died...especially parents. 

Eventhough the entries where clearly written
by the hand of a little boy, Usagi was startled
at the maturity reflected in the words she read.
More so, she was startled by the image of
sadness and unsatisfaction with life that arose
from Mamoru's journal. Brief mentions of his
life at the orphanage were made here and there,
and the portrayal given of Mamoru's early "home"
(if that's what you could call it) made anger rise in
Usagi's heart...followed shortly by compassion.
Had it really been so hard on him? Had he always
carried this air of sadness? Poor thing...

The entries continued. Mamoru's words matured
as he grew, and Usagi could almost hear the
coldness in his voice. He no longer spoke of
adventures, or of a brighter future. It seems that
those dreams had been crushed. The young boy
had cratered. His nights were practically dreamless
now, thus not many entries had been recorded
during this time. But the dreams that were
recorded, however, could hardly be called dreams.
Never in her life had Usagi experienced the type of
nightmares described in this simple leather bound
book. She prayed fervently that she never would.
Tears fell unnoticed from her eyes as she read
through every horrific detail during a very dark
period of Mamoru's life.

But one entry fell in stark contrast with the
others.

	"An angel visited me tonight--
	or maybe she was a princess.
	Her beauty was beyond words,
	but somehow I could see her face.
	I couldn't seem to focus on her
	features, like her identity was
	being hidden from me. She stayed
	with me for a long time, stroking
	my hair. Before she left she kissed
	my forehead and whispered,
	'Everything is going to be all right,
	Endymion. I'm here now.' She
	called me 'Endymion'...could that
	be my real name? Who is this
	princess? And if she's really 'here
	now', then why do I still feel alone?"

Usagi's fingers traced over the hastily written
words, which contained the most emotion
Mamoru had revealed in his journal as of yet.
He had dreamed of her. Of Princess Serenity.
She remembered him mentioning the dreams
before their duel with Zoicite, but hadn't
remembered the exchange until now. What
a surprising revelation.

The entries continued, and the coldness in
Mamoru's voice vanished only when he
spoke of his angel, whom he called "Princess."
He'd grown to cherish the girl who graced him
in his dreams...perhaps he even loved her. But
affections could only run so far with a figment
of his imagination...a fact that made the growing
man increasingly bitter. Wasn't there anyone
out there who could love him?

Usagi smiled through her tears at the first
mentions of Andrew, and surprisingly--of
herself. Even the famous test paper which
had gracefully bounced off of his head had
made it into Mamoru's journal. Was is
Usagi's imagination, or did the entries reflect
amusement rather than aggravation with her?

Confusion entered Mamoru's entries soon
after. His princess appeared to him now in
tears, begging for his help. She needed the
crystal--but how was he to find it? More
dreams came--dreams of another girl, but
this one was a warrior rather than a princess.
Her face, features, and identity escaped him.
Mamoru's descriptions of Sailor Moon and
their first battles together were surprising to
Usagi--he thought they were nothing more
than dreams. He didn't realize that he truly
was Tuxedo Kamen, protector of the Sailor
Scout of the Moon.

The realization dawned on him soon, however,
and his mission intensified. Find the crystal.
Help the princess. Protect Sailor Moon. It
was all he wrote about.

The journal entries abruptly ended soon after,
judging from the dates written at the top of
each page, and Usagi realized that this was
the time Mamoru had spent with Queen Beryl,
swayed to her side. When the entries began
again, the battle was won, and Beryl was dead.

His princess was in his dreams still, but all she
did now was cry. She asked him over and over
why he didn't remember her, confusing the young
man beyond words, for after the battle with Beryl,
his memories escaped him. He admitted openly in
the journal that he felt like a piece of him was
missing. Indeed, it was.

Usagi was in his journal several times over the
next few days. Frustrations had arisen in Mamoru
when he felt attracted to her, but felt bound to the
princess in his dreams who cried out for him
endlessly. He was torn between two women...only
to find out soon that they were in actuality the same
person.

The coldness in his words seemed to fade a bit after
his memories were returned to him. He had someone
who cared for him now, and Mamoru didn't fail to
articulate exactly how much he loved Usagi, his
princess. His nights were now spent dreaming of
her, and of their future. Their wedding. Their children.
Grandchildren, even. He had hope for a future now.

But then things changed.

	"The first time I saw the vision I
	was in the park. I touched Rini's
	hand, and saw the crystal structure
	in front of me. I thought it strange
	at first, and shook it off as nothing.
	Until tonight. My gosh, I have never
	had a nightmare like this. It started
	out wonderful--Usako and I were
	to be married. How things changed
	so rapidly, I don't know. She was
	torn away from me. I drop to my
	knees, screaming her name. The
	crystal encases her, crushing her,
	and killing her violently. I can't help
	her. I can't do anything but scream.
	The voice in my dreams commands
	me to stay away from her, or my
	dream will become reality. Should
	I listen?"

That was the last journal entry.

Usagi closed the book slowly. She finally had her
answer.

-----

She loved watching him sleep. Dark strands of
hair fell over Mamoru's eyes, hiding them from
her loving gaze. Sailor Moon knelt before him,
and brushed a few silky strands away from his
face.

She pulled out a book...a special book a certain
masked man had given her. She hesitated briefly,
running her fingers once more over the smooth
leather covers that practically contained Mamoru's
life.

Careful not to wake him, she placed the book
and a pink rose with one of her hair ribbons
tied around it on his pillow. Gently leaning over
him, she tenderly kissed Mamoru's temple--
something she hadn't done in far too long. She
felt him shutter slightly under her lips, and pulled
the covers up higher to warm him.

Before departing, she whispered in his hair, "I
love you, Mamo-chan. I'll never give up."

Mamoru's eyes opened to see his curtains
swaying slightly from the breeze that issued
in from the open window. Funny, he didn't
remember leaving that window open...

He smiled when he saw the book and the
rose. She knew now. Sitting up in his bed,
Mamoru picked up the book and pressed
the rose between its pages so that he could
keep it forever. He placed the book under
his pillow, where he had kept it for 11 years...
ever since the nurse in the hospital had given
it to him when his parents had been killed.

After a second thought, he retrieved the
book from under the pillow, and opened
up to the last entry. It was time for a new
one.

Sitting back against his pillow, he began to
write. The words had no bitterness, or coldness.
Only love.

	"An angel visited me tonight--
	or maybe she was a princess..."

The End

Please send comments to
sailor_moon89@hotmail.com