Title: Fatherly Concerns
Author: Corina Borsuk
Rating: G
email address: corina_borsuk@eee.org


Disclaimer: Usagi, Mamoru and Chibi-Usa belong to Bandai and
the incredibly cool Naoko-sensei.  They don't belong to me and I
make no profit from this story.  In fact, I'm downright poor, so
please don't sue me.

Send all comments, questions, flames, etc. to me at
corina_borsuk@eee.org


The Chibas proudly announce the birth of their daughter, Chiba
Usagi.
Date of Birth: 30 June
Time: 16:26
Weight: 7 pounds
Height: 18 inches


Fatherly Concerns


I gaze at her through the glass, utterly amazed at the miracle before
me. She's so small, so tiny.  She seems so fragile, laying there in the
hospital crib.  I want to hold her, to kiss her, to protect her from
everything that would do her harm.  And yet, I am so afraid that I
will hurt her.

I know nothing about caring for a child. Oh, I know how to treat a
scraped knee or how to help her study for a test.  It isn't her body
for which I'm afraid, for I would give my life to keep her safe.  It's
her heart and soul that I worry about.  I haven't the knowledge or
experience to protect those less tangible parts of the life I have
helped create.  What do I do when she's afraid of the dark?  How
do I punish her when she is bad and still let her know that I care? 
How will I be a father to this precious child when I had no father of
my own to teach me?

I've know for the last nine months this day would come.  I've know
longer than that--since Chibi-Usa first came into our lives all those
years ago.  I thought I was ready. I stupidly believed that because I
helped care for her then, that I was ready for this now.  I know now
that I was wrong.  I don't think anything could prepare me for this. 
Before, Chibi-Usa wasn't really my daughter. I loved her and cared
for her, but as an uncle or cousin, not as her father.  I never had to
punish her when she was bad or care for her when she was sick.  I
didn't raise her to be the young girl she was or the woman she
would become.  Now, all that responsibility falls to me.  I must
teach her right from wrong.  I, the boy who kept everyone at a
distance, must teach her to care for others and to give of herself. 
What if I fail her? What if she suffers because I can't be the father
she deserves?  But, even if I can't, I know she will learn all she
needs to know of love. Usako will show her how to love, just as
she has shown me.

How ironic life can be. Here I am, full of doubt over my ability to
raise my daughter, when just months before it was me trying to
comfort Usako as she was plagued by the same doubts.  How often
had she cried into the night because she thought she couldn't be a
good mother to Chibi-Usa?  Imagine, my Usako thought she
wouldn't be a good mother just because she can't cook, or sew and
didn't do well in school. I remember holding her in my arms,
whispering to her that she has all the qualities of motherhood that
matter. She is loving, kind, caring, sympathetic--all of the things I
wished the social workers had been for me.

Social workers, that was who my family consisted of, strange faces
that never had the time to become familiar ones.  I bounced from
one foster home to another, from one orphanage to another, never
sure of my place in the world, my purpose for being.  There was
never anyone for me to depend on, no constant in my life that I
could take solace in.  I don't want it to be that way for my
daughter.  I want her to have a better childhood than her father, a
better life.  I don't want her to ever doubt that she is loved, as I
doubted.  And yet, there is no way I can guarantee that I will be
there for her.  Setsuna herself has admitted that the visions of the
future we have seen are not guaranteed.  And, with the kind of lives
Usako and I lead, there is always a chance that one day, one or both
of us will not return.

My thoughts are interrupted when I see the nurse lift Chibi-Usa into
her arms. She smiles at me through the glass, unaware of my inner
turmoil. I watch her as she carries my child in her arms.  "I was just
going to take this sweetheart to the all-you-can-eat buffet. Would
you care to join us?"  I look at her strangely, puzzled by the words.
She acknowledges my unspoken question. "It's time for her
feeding. Perhaps you'd like to carry her to your wife's room."

Before I can respond, the nurse has placed her precious bundle in
my arms. My eyes go wide and fear grips my heart. I am Tuxedo
Mask and Prince Endymion, a man who has faced youmas and
aliens without fear, but the feel of my daughter in my arms fills me
with dread. What if I drop her? What if I crush her? What if....?

Suddenly, the nurse is speaking again, answering the questions I
didn't realize I had spoken aloud. "Just hold her head up. That's the
way.  See, everything is fine. You'll be fine. You know where your
wife's room is, right? So, get going for your first family meal
together."  She gives me a gentle nudge in the right direction before
going back to her duties.

My first few steps are slow and cautious, every muscle taut with
stress.  A thousand jumbled thoughts race through my head.  Am I
holding her too tight?  Not tight enough?  Should I hold her head
up higher?  Am I jostling her too much?  The fears and doubts
begin to overwhelm me in a way they haven't for a very long time. 
I can feel my heart beating wildly in my chest as each step brings
with it more questions, more doubts.

Then, suddenly the eyes that had been shut tightly just moments
before begin to open.  At first, it's just a crack, but then they open
wider and I can see my daughter's grey-pink eyes.  She looks at me
with those eyes, completely silent and serene.  The look reminds me
so much of her mother, my Usako.  It's the way she looks at me,
with complete trust and love.  That look sparks a small bit of
confidence in me.  With each step my confidence grows, until I am
striding down the hall, albeit still with care. The closer I get to my
destination, the more confident I become that I can protect my
daughter, that I will be a good father.

"I love you Chibi-Usa. I love you with all my heart, and I swear to
you I will protect you, just like I protect your mother, because you
are both so important to me. You are the family I always wanted
and never had. So, I promise you I will be the best father I can. I
won't always be perfect, but no matter what, I will always love you.
Remember that Chibi-Usa.  Remember that I'm your daddy and I
will always love you." The words are whispered quietly in her ear. 
I don't know if she understands the words, but I feel in my heart
that she understands the message.

I finish my little speech just before I reach Usako's room. As I
enter, her eyes flit from me, to the baby and back again. She flashes
a tired, but happy smile and asks, "So what's going on here?"

"Oh nothing," I reply.  "Just a father bonding with his daughter."


The End


More author's notes: Before I go, I must thank my beta-reader
Amanda Rose.  Not only did she catch some of my spelling errors
and smooth things out a bit, but it was her idea to include the birth
announcement at the beginning.  Cool, ne?

I would also like to take this opportunity to recommend some of
my favorite stories and authors.  If you have time, may I suggest
reading the "Sailor Trek" series by Bill Harris, anything by Razzz or
Jennifer Wand and "Red Millennium" by Carlen Lavigne.  These are
some, but far from all, of my favorite Sailor Moon fanfics.

I'm also looking for an author and story.  At one time, on
alt.fan.sailor-moon, I was reading a story about Mamoru and Usagi
traveling to the states to visit an old college friend   a female   of
Mamoru and Motoki.  I can't remember the author or title, but if
anyone can send me some information, I'd be eternally grateful.