A little steam in this installment, but no ecchi! The PG-13 rating holds strong throughout...though, I...uh...do *push* it a little. ^^;; This isn't the original idea I had envisioned for the epilogue. This idea dawned on me in a German hotel room around 4 in the morning. And after I had already completed the original epilogue, too! So alas, I had to rewrite numerous pages, but hey, that's what authors are supposed to do, right? ^^ The differences between the two epilogues that I wrote are many. The original was dripping with tension and angst, and while I know some of you (including myself) *love* that kind of thing, I felt that the story had climaxed enough. The fight between Usagi and Mamoru was a rough one, and it needed to be resolved in a calmer matter so that they could heal and grow together. In other words, they needed some quality mush time together. Comprende? ^_~ I might consider using the original epilogue scene in another fic, or I might post it at Moonlit Eclipse as a special "what-if" chapter. Haven't decided yet. I've made the epilogue into a "Mamoru's View" chapter. It's not directly *from* his point of view, mind you, but he gets a chance to tell his account using dialogue. I love writing intricate details, and in his account, he'll mention many things from previous chapters. If you read them carefully, you should remember everything that is mentioned. But if not, maybe scan the previous chapters a little before reading the epilogue. I also love using symbolism, and while I don't always point it out, it's usually in every chapter I write. There's quite a bit in the epilogue, so watch out for it! ^^ There's a wee bit of Japanese in here, and forgive me, but I'm not too certain if I wrote it correctly. Kinda hard when all you have is a English/Japanese dictionary. ^^;; Love you guys! Please write me and let me know what you thought of this story! @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- "Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge." Psalm 57:1 @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- The Coldest December By Aimee Epilogue "I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high, And like Icharus, I collide." ~Jars of Clay He waited anxiously before me, his stormy eyes hidden by deep shadows and the mask I'd wished a thousand times didn't exist. His lips uttered not a single syllable, and I found I could not speak either. The gentle stirring of his lined cape in the light breeze was the only sound apart from the pounding of my heart. He spoke, in a voice that was deep as well as stirring. "I've been looking for you." Somehow I managed to find my own voice, but it sounded small and unfamiliar. "Have you?" I breathed, licking my lips nervously. He didn't reply. I watched silently as he detransformed, leaving a slightly less intimidating man in the other's place. Mamoru looked hopelessly lost as he stood before me, his clothing soaked, wet bangs flattened against his forehead, pleading eyes fixed on my own. "Usa," he whispered, so softly that I barely heard him. "I..." He was cut off by a sudden coughing fit, and I blinked, jolted from my daze. "You're sick!" I gasped, quickly stepping from beneath the building covering into the freezing rain. I reached him in two strides, but he only grasped my shoulders and guided me back to where it was dry. I tugged at his sleeve, pulling him out of the rain as well...and closer to me. Rain droplets slipped down his pale cheeks and dripped from his chin. He shivered regardless of the heavy, black overcoat he wore. "How long have you been out here?" I demanded, shocked at his appearance. "Ever since you left," was the weak reply. I was horrified. "My God. Mamoru, we've got to get you warm! What were you thinking?" I could have beat him silly for his idiocy, and I might have done just that had the taxi not pulled up and honked far too loud for that time of night. "Come on," I said, pulling the man towards the car. "We can talk after you're warm and dry." @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- The ride commenced in perfect silence, aside from the soft tap of freezing rain on the windows. I watched the wet streets and darkened alleys and buildings fly by without interest, stealing a few glances at the shivering man beside me. He was quiet and emotional. Never before had I seen him in such a broken state. He stared miserably at his hands, which rested on his lap. Once or twice I saw his eyes clamp shut and his head shake slightly, as through dismissing an unpleasant thought from his mind. My heart twisted urgently at the distress and abject misery on his face. Reaching out through the darkness of the car cabin, my hand sought out his. My warm fingers intertwined with his half frozen ones and gave them a reassuring squeeze. He let out a slow breath. The ride was over in a matter of minutes, and as soon as we exited the taxi, I reclaimed his hand with my own. Not only did I feel incredibly guilty for his physical state, I still felt horrible for everything that I'd said and done to him. It had been wrong not to hear him out. He never had the opportunity to defend himself against my accusations, and I fully intended to let him speak his mind. But he had to get warm first. His shivering was worrisome. The hand I held tensed as we entered the elevator, and yet again, guilt spread through me like poison when I recalled the horrible argument that had occurred there, exactly where we now stood. Casting my eyes upon his face, which was tensed in an effort to ignore the sea of painful emotions he was no doubt drowning in, I spoke to him softly, breaking the silence between us. "I'm sorry, Mamoru. For everything." His gaze fell to the ground, but he nodded in reply. "I'm sorry, too, Usagi." His voice was low and quiet, hushed with the threat of impending emotion. Before I could respond, the elevator doors parted, and the hand attached to mine gently led me down the dim hallway. I stood patiently at his side while he unlocked and held the door open for me. "You're chilled," he commented softly. "There's a blanket on the living room couch. Go warm yourself up, and I'll fix you some tea." "No, I'll make the tea," I quickly argued, helping him out of the wet overcoat that clung to him like a second skin. "I want you to go change. You're shaking like a leaf." His head drooped slightly, his gaze falling from my face. He was clearly too exhausted and cold to argue. I gave him a gentle nudge towards his bedroom, and he thankfully heeded my motherly request without another word. Watching his form disappear, I felt a tightening in my chest and a twist in my stomach. It was a strange feeling...not entirely unpleasant. It was something akin to affection, I believe. Not quite love...but a sense of deep caring. I smiled for the first time that evening and headed for the kitchen to make some hot tea to warm us both. @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- It was a familiar scene. The two of us, sitting on the floor before a fireplace, hot mugs in hand, but the mood was quite different. It wasn't unpleasant, nor was the air tense. We said little, merely basking in the peace between us, letting it heal our wounds. The shivering of my companion ceased slowly as the combined efforts of warm clothing, hot chamomile tea, and a roaring fire warmed his limbs. I watched him carefully as be began to relax and breathe normally. His eyes remained downcast, though his facial features had softened considerably. The day had been taxing, and he was no doubt leveled with physical and emotional fatigue. But as much as I wished for him to rest, I knew deep down he wasn't the type to sleep when things needed to be said...and there was certainly a lot to be discussed between us. Setting my tea aside, I drew closer to him, for we were sitting slightly apart. Smiling encouragingly, I whispered, "I'm listening. Anytime you're ready." A bit surprised, he set his tea down as well, running nervous fingers through his still-damp hair. "I hardly know where to start." "When did you start having the dreams?" I prompted. He sighed deeply, eyes falling from my face to look into the fireplace. "Shortly after my parents died. I was only six years old. Very lonely. The dreams comforted me in a way. I guess because they offered someone who loved me in a way I'd never known." Here his eyes fell fully upon my face, and I blushed slightly upon remembrance of my own dreams. Endymion and I were often intimate. His kisses and touch had long since burned itself in my memory, and obviously into Mamoru's as well. Our eyes met for a long while, and I saw passion burning in his deep blue orbs. That passion had frightened me in Tuxedo Kamen, but now... now I didn't know what it was doing to me... "Those dreams helped me make it through," Mamoru continued. "They gave me hope in something... or rather hope in someone. You were my angel, Usagi. You still are." "When did you realize it was me?" I asked, turning my face away, which was burning with a fiery blush. "Not for a long time. I made a connection the day I first saw you. When you walked away, I couldn't help but notice the similarities between you and the princess. The face in my dreams had been so engraved in my mind, that when I saw yours, I was stunned. And when I first saw Sailor Moon, later that same night, I had the same reaction, only then it was accompanied with confusion. Until then, I had only thought of the dreams as simply that...*dreams*. Nothing more. But then I began to doubt. "The dreams fueled a fascination with your dual identity...with a girl named Usagi and another named Sailor Moon. I hadn't realized yet that you were one and the same. The love for the princess, whom I had always deemed imaginary, quickly became aimed at you and Sailor Moon, and I soon found myself in love with two girls. I was clueless how to act upon those feelings, but I knew that I had to be single-minded when it came to love. I couldn't have you both, nor could I choose between you. Thus, I tried to remove myself from the both of you in order to deny those feelings, hoping that maybe they would dissipate. To you, I became a tormentor. And to Sailor Moon, I became cold and distant. I hated doing it, and God knows my heart was crying out for you, but..." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Usagi. But I couldn't pursue a relationship with you when my heart was longing for someone else as well. The same for Sailor Moon. It wouldn't have been right." "It's okay. I understand," I assured him, placing my hands over his, relieved that they were no longer cold and trembling. "Go on." "The night I found out about your dual identity was the night you were attacked." I shuddered involuntarily at the very thought and looked away. "After the youma was no longer a threat, I still felt uneasy. I had a horrible, unexplainable feeling that you were still in danger. It gnawed at me with an urgency I'd never felt, even as Tuxedo Kamen. So I followed you. When you detransformed, I was leveled. Simply stunned. The two girls I had fallen for were one and the same. Momentarily stopping to gather my thoughts after such a shock, you got ahead of me a bit, and the feeling of dread in my stomach went haywire. And when I found you...he was..." He trailed off, eyes closed, head shaking back and forth as he struggled to remain calm. "I swear, Usagi, had you not been there to witness it, I would have killed that man. You were the only thing that held me back." Eyes wide, I could only listen in stunned silence as he continued. "When you sat before me, frightened and shaking, it was all I could do not to gather you close to me and hold you, but after what you had just experienced, I felt it wouldn't be wise. I think I would have only frightened you further. So I saw you home safely, and for the time being, left it at that. "Your double identity now disclosed, I felt somewhat better about pursuing you, so I approached you in the street the next morning, and since I was desperate to know how you were, I inquired about how you were feeling. You seemed to warm up to me a bit, so having gained a little courage, I offered you a ride later that afternoon. Words can't tell you how concerned I was at that point. You looked simply exhausted and depressed. You wouldn't talk with me about what happened no matter how much I hinted. I was aggravated that you didn't trust me enough to help, but deep down I understood. After all, you hardly knew me. "But when I saw the bruises on your wrists, I just lost it. I had no clue that bastard had handled you *that* roughly. You became angered by my probing questions, which in my own anger, had become rather demanding." He stopped, glancing wearily at me with a hint of guilt in his gaze. "I shouldn't have been so brusque with you. I apologize." "No, it was my fault. I said some pretty awful things...things you didn't deserve," I reminded him. "You were exhausted, Usagi. Stretched. It was excusable. I forgave you instantly." "Instantly? But you were so angry with me at the arcade the next day..." "No, I wasn't angry with you in the least. Before you had come into the arcade, I had been speaking with your friend, Rei. She told me some things I had not expected...about the dreams." I nodded. "Yes, she mentioned the meeting." "We realized that they were more than dreams but actual memories. Also, that you were the Moon Princess. Again, I was stunned. Not only were you Sailor Moon, you were someone who was unspeakably precious to me. More than that, the princess was real. I was in a daze, I suppose. Rei excused herself...I didn't notice her exit. When I finally looked up, there you were, like a little phantom or ghost. And what's more, you were upset. I had no idea how long you'd been sitting there, speaking to me. You got up angrily. I suppose you thought I was purposely ignoring you. I caught you by the wrist thankfully, and though I was still speechless, I hoped I soothed away a little of your distress." I smiled at the memory of that gentle caress he'd given my bruised wrist, and my troubled mind was eased at the explanation of the silent treatment I'd received that day. "You did," I whispered, our fingers intertwining again. "I'm sorry we've had so many misunderstandings, Usagi. But if there's once thing I feel most strongly I should apologize for, it was the kiss I gave you that night as Tuxedo Kamen," he said, eyes falling to the carpet. "I had hoped that the first kiss you and I shared would quench the flames inside of me a bit, but it hardly did that. It was more like pouring fuel on the fire. I needed more, and after seeing you once again assaulted by a youma, and after being turned away by the senshi when I tried to speak to you afterward, I was simply angry. Not at you. Just *angry*. Usually I can control such emotional outbreaks, but they were simply too raw that night. Not only did I speak with you harshly, but also I forced a kiss upon you. I can't stress to you how sorry I am, Usagi-chan. I never meant you any harm." "You didn't hurt me. I felt no pain," I argued quietly. "You were uncomfortable," he countered. "But you released me when I asked you to." "And ran away like a coward shortly thereafter," he added quietly. "You're not a coward, Mamoru," I said, squeezing his hand. "There have been times when I couldn't comprehend how you could be so strong." He shook his head, obviously disagreeing. "I couldn't even bring myself to tell you that I was Tuxedo Kamen. I was terrified of how you would react. I tried to tell you earlier today while we were walking in the park, but then your friend screamed, and everything just went wrong all at once...and then we argued...and you left...and oh God, I just about went mad trying to find you." The hand I held trembled, and I witnessed his face contort slightly in a wave of threatening emotion. Without another thought, I launched myself into his arms. "It's okay, Mamo-chan. Don't cry," I whispered, not really knowing where I'd gotten the nickname from. I held him closer, and he embraced me in turn. "Everything's going to be all right. I forgive you for everything, even for calling me Odango Atama. Just please don't cry...please... Mamo-chan..." But it was inevitable, and soon we were both in tears. He gripped me tightly to his chest, kissing my hair as he continued to mumble incoherent apologies. "Shhhh..." I hushed him gently, brushing his tears away as he wiped away mine. "This is hardly all your fault. I'm so sorry for not trusting you and for not listening when you tried to explain." I caressed and kissed his left cheek, which I had so cruelly slapped in my careless rage. "Gomen nasai, Mamo-chan. Gomen nasai..." I sobbed, pressing my face into his shoulder. "It's all right, Usako," he breathed into my hair. "We can start over now. No more misunderstandings." Start over? My eyes sparkled hopefully, like a little rainbow through the storm. Could it really be possible that he forgave me? That he still wanted me? I hugged him fiercely as he rocked me back and forth, murmuring soft confessions of love into my hair. I barely understood what he was saying, but the sweetness of his voice calmed and soothed me. "Aishiteru, Usako. Anata wa oshii desu, omaesan. Kawairashii Odango Atama. Bishoujo Sere. Aishiteru." "Endy..." I whispered in broken contentment, running my hands up and down his back, delighted that he was real and that he loved me. The void inside me had never been so content or quiet. His love had appeased its demanding cries, and for once in my life, I felt complete. "Mamo-chan, I'm so young. I hardly know what love is. But as much as I know, if what I'm feeling inside right now is any indication, then I love you so much I can hardly see straight." He pulled back from the embrace, his eyes smiling at me. We cupped each other's faces, and the tears that continued to slide down our cheeks were no longer tears of sadness and anguish, but tears of relief and joy. I caressed his face with my lips, tasting his tears as they mixed with my own. And we kissed. Burning kisses that, had it not been so cold outside, might have sent the building up in flames. The raw emotion I'd experienced in Tuxedo Kamen's the previous night was nothing compared to the passion conveyed in the embrace I found myself in now. If anything, the masked man had been restraining himself if this was what had been locked up inside of him. Hands cupping his face, I ravished my lips upon his, attempting to match his desire with my own. Mamoru's tongue pushed into my mouth and danced with my own as his hands wound themselves in my hair, easing my head to the side to deepen the kiss. Sooner than I imagined, our kisses eased into something less bruising...something deeper. I was pressed back with gentle hands to lay on the floor, our lips never parting as he adjusted his weight to carefully settle over me. I trembled helplessly in his arms as I felt the man who held me unlock his soul and place it trustingly into my hands. Uncertainly, I did the same. I felt his pain, and he felt mine. I saw the child's face, stunned and pale, as the nurses told him his parents were no more. I witnessed the loneliness that had plagued him for so many years. I even felt the car careening off of the ledge. And I met with the void within him that impossibly challenged the intensity of the ache in my own heart. I touched the wounds within him, caressing them and slowly easing them away. The hurts had been too long rejected by others. He did the same for me, and the void within breathed a sigh of relief and shuddered into peaceful nothingness. As did his. His lips were a ghost on my own, brushing lightly against the flesh they had bruised moments earlier. "Usako..." they whispered against my mouth, and I felt a slight trace of his eyelashes against my cheek as they fluttered shut, his head lowering to the ground to rest beside mine. After a few moments of peaceful stillness, he rolled off of me slowly and lay on his back, gentle hands pulling me under the crook of his arm. Resting my head on his chest, I smiled at his peaceful face, his eyes closed, his features soft and still. With a sigh, I let my eyes drift shut as well, and Mamoru's arms tightened around me as I snuggled a bit closer. The fireplace continued to crackle and light up the room with flickers of light as we drifted in and out of a well-deserved sleep. And outside, it began to snow. But neither of us noticed. Suddenly December didn't seem so cold anymore. The end. @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- @--<----- I DID IT!!! I FINISHED THE STORY!!! *gestures wildly* And at 240K+, it is officially novel length! So I reached my original goal! Yippee! *does a silly little jig* Minna-chan, I beg of you. Please write me and let me know what you thought of this story. I have spent *countless* hours working on it, and it would mean so much to me to hear that you might have derived a little joy from reading it. sailor_moon89@hotmail.com http://www.geocities.com/moonlit_eclipse/ I love you guys! Aimee-chan Completed (thank the Maker) August 2000