Author's notes: Hi. It's me, Antigone. Remember me? No? Yes? Maybe? As of my writing this, I have On a Wing and a Prayer part nine half way done. If I did the html right, it should be up now too! If not, I'm sorry. It will be up next week. Or it's already at Lady Spring's site: http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Lights/3406/index.html Thanks to everyone who emailed me! I'm glad On a Wing and a Prayer doesn't suck like I thought it did. Thanks to Andrea-san for posting this. This story is... something I've been nursing since last year. Every time I've felt lonely, depressed, upset or any negative emotion (it's often. Trust me. ^^;;) I wrote a few sentences of this. Since I've never actually written this in a good mood, I'm not sure how dark the language/mood is. But, please let me know? Also, since I never write this when I am in a good mood I don't know when the next part will be out. Depends on how depressed I am in the next few months. (So, hope it lots!! ^_^;;*) Oi vay... Note: a. This has never been pre-read. b. This has never been edited. c. I don't own Sailormoon. Takeuchi Naoko does. Cold By Antigone Tsukino Usagi was acting very out of character that day: silent, contemplative, in the cool sunlight of the afternoon. Her figure was kneeling before one of the many rose bushes in the park, near the footpath that would eerily empty of all noise and commotion. Her dark blue eyes were haunted, rings shallow beneath her thick lashes. Shivering in her light spring uniform, she cupped one chapped, pale hand over a half-blossomed rose, she shut her eyes, willing herself to *feel*-- feel the heat from the slow movement deep inside the plant's steam- the growing, feeding, dying, decay- that echoed through every living thing on Earth. Sighing, she shook her head harshly and stood. The soft fabric of her skirt whispered around her knees, her thin arms crossed over her chest in a futile attempt to block the chill from the wind. She felt such a strong mix of emotions inside of her... fear, regret, guilt... deep guilt... loneliness, that horrible feeling she hated above everything else in the world... but the first was the strongest. Fear. Heart pounding, stomach jumping, knees-into-jelly fear that clung to her loosely like the scent of flowers she always wore. "This sucks," she muttered stubbornly, stamping one foot against the ground, little hands in fists over the handle of her schoolbag. The path ahead suddenly seemed so long, dizzyingly long, but she had to get home by dinner, her growling stomach reminded her of that fact. She was dead tired, too. If she kept trying to function on such little sleep she'd probably end up a coffee addict just like Mamoru. For a second she made a face, her nose wrinkling. How could anyone drink such a bitter, awful beverage? Anyway, it might stunt her growth... god knows she didn't want *anything* to jinx that. Then the fear was back, making her hands tremble with something other than cold. She was so small, it never really occurred to her before... to look down at herself and see something besides a much too (she thought) skinny little thing and marvel at the fact that this was the body that housed so much power, so much strength. Unreal. Yet she was also not used to her height, weight, build making her feel vulnerable. For some reason, mostly likely her nightmares which came so often of late, buried memories of the worst pain she had ever felt in her entire life, she could think of nothing else but how helpless she had been before-and could be again. And it did, put in the words of a frustrated schoolgirl, suck. ~~ "I'm worried," Luna said flatly, shaking her head. The other girls exchanged long looks with each other. "Why, for Usagi being late?" Rei asked, briskly, her real worry showing only deep in her hazel eyes, "she's always late, Luna. I'm sure she's fine." Blue eyes looked up from a schoolbook that had not had a page turned in over fifteen minutes, "I think Luna is referring to Usagi-chan's...unusual... behavior lately." Minako nodded in completely agreement, helping herself to a cookie off of the small table in Rei's temple, "She's like a completely different person!" the blonde volunteered, "withdrawn, depressed-" "-and JUMPY!" Makoto added, shaking her head, "if you even put your hand on her shoulder from behind she goes about a mile in the air." "Hai," Luna said, "I've noticed she's been a little on edge. But it's really unlike her not to say why!" The girls frowned, concern for their friend evident on their faces. Even Rei, although her features were schooled to look annoyed at Usagi, her eyes shone with turmoil deep inside. If Usagi, Usagi of all people, was being to listless, and depressed then... she shuddered to think. "She wakes up screaming every night, after tossing and turning in her bed for hours," Luna said softly, "and every morning she insists she is fine, claims not to even remember having a nightmare at all." Makoto bit her lip, green eyes contemplative. "One of us should talk to her." "Tried," Rei said. "Again and again," added Ami, for her part. "Called her all yesterday," Minako added, "She wouldn't pick up the phone." "What about Chibi-Usa?" Ami remarked, looking up, "she's staying with Usagi, does she have any idea what could be wrong?" Luna frowned for a moment, then answered, "No. Chibi-Usa won't admit it, but she's worried sick. However, its been awkward since Usagi's been too worn- out to fight with her, and they have no other way to relate." The girls sighed. "Chibi-Usa has been spending a lot of time at friend's houses," Luna added, "and with Mamoru-san." Rei turned, leaning her head her hand, "What about Mamoru-san? Does he have any idea what could be wrong? Anyone talk to him?" Ami nodded, "Yes, I discussed Usagi with him yesterday, while he was showing me the shortcut to a logarithmic problem I was having a bit of trouble with. He hasn't seen much of her, at all, but they have a date for tomorrow night, so maybe after that he'll have an idea." Rei tightened her hands into fists, eyebrows drawn together angrily, "Hasn't seen much of her," she muttered, "great boyfriend he is. Usagi's so wan we are sick with worry over her, and all he can say is 'Oh, is something wrong with Usa?'" Finding comfort in anger, Rei mimicked Mamoru's voice with a scowl. The girls sweat-dropped. "Um," Minako said, "anyway, any more attacks on dream mirrors lately?" "Iie," Rei said, "and it's spooky how long its been, actually. For attacks that just started, anyway." The door creaked open, "Gomen nasai," Usagi said, bowing, "for being late." Rei opened her mouth, and Usagi looked up almost hopefully. A moment later, though, the priestess lowered her head, shrugging half-heartedly. Usagi's shoulders slumped ever-so-slightly and she sat quietly beside Ami. The other girl's blue eyes slid over to Usagi's pale hands, clasped tightly in her lap. Under Ami's gaze, they slid together and fingers curled up, but not before the senshi of water saw Usagi's nails were short and bitten. "Um," Minako said, again. They looked up at her, and she blushed a little, sweat-dropping. "Psst," Makoto leaned over to her friend, "you should probably have something in mind to say before you start a sentence." "Thanks," the blonde muttered sarcastically. There was an awkward silence. Finally, Rei lifted her head and looked straight at her princess. "Usagi-baka! Just tell us what is wrong already!" The other's braced themselves, expecting a violent lash back and denial of anything being wrong. Instead, though, their tiny leader just lifted her head and sighed. "It's," she paused, brushing a soft strand of blonde away from her face, "nothing that I can't handle on my own." Her voice was soft. A wind blew some swirling autumn leaves across the temple grounds. "Demo-" "Whatever it is," Usagi said, talking over Rei's objections as if her friend had not spoken, "I promise you it's not something I need protecting from." "Us-" "Trust me," she said, firmly, ending the conversation as effectively as if she fired a gun. Slowly she stood, the wind pulled the leaves around her thin legs, her hands tugged on the warn leather of her schoolbag. "I'll see you," she said, turning and walking away the way she came. 'My struggle,' she thought, turning slightly to watch her bewildered friends, 'is internal.' Forgive me, minna. ~~ She had never seen him more nervous. It was interesting, in it's own way, how her mood could spread to him so easily. Usagi sat perfectly still on Mamoru's sofa, her hands on her knees. In the kitchen, she could hear him putting the popcorn into a bowl, pouring water, setting up a TV tray. The white, silent static from the television flickered across her features. "You, uh," his voice floated in from the kitchen, uneven, nervous, not like him, "can start the movie if you want." "That's alright," she said, so he could barely hear her, "I'll wait." 'Am I really that unnerving to him, acting this way?' In her lap, her hands were clenched together so tightly, trembling, her knuckles white. Her shoulders uptight to her shoulders. Mamoru's shadow fell over from behind and she jumped, and turned to face him. Her sad, vulnerable blue eyes gazed into concerned navy ones. "Will you tell what is wrong?" He asked, quietly. No one but her would notice the hurt hidden deep in his voice, the neediness beneath his desperate concern for her. Usagi forced a smile, unnatural on the paleness of her face and flatness of her eyes, "I'm fine, Mamo-chan." Dark blue eyes shifted slightly, and he stood uncomfortably. For a flash, a single moment, Usagi saw him for what he was; so shy, so unsure about what to say, how to act, around her. A nervous, lovestruck little boy. It had always been up to her to initiate anything. Now, worried about her health, surely briefed on her behavior by her friends, he wanted to talk to her. And had no idea how. She shut her eyes. "Let's start the movie now, ne?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. ~~ White mist swirled around her, chilling her, numbing her. Scaring her to death. She could hardly see ten feet before her, and could only hear her heart pounding against her ribcage. Around her, she could sense people. People she wanted to call to, but couldn't. Because if she made herself known they would kill her, not help her. This she knew. Usagi lifted her eyes, quivering with fear, her hands grasped at her brooch, but with a start she realized she was Sailormoon already. Just Sailormoon... the familiar simple red, white, and blue fuku she had donned the first time she heard Naru scream for help from the Osa-P store. But why, now that she had a new transformation? And the crystal, the moon scepter (scepter, she wondered, that was lost long ago...) where were they? Panic was beginning to set in. She realized then, why. Alone. She was all alone... she couldn't fight... alone... Not again! A sob caught in her throat, however, as a footfall fell behind her. Relief flowed through her. A friend... help... she was not alone... She turned, a smile already forming on her lips, then froze. Her skin went white with fear. "Iie," she whispered, as a figure came into the light, "Onegai..." But it was true. There was no denying it. Her heart broke. And she screamed. ~~ The apartment was dark when Usagi opened her eyes, trembling still. The TV was black, and Mamoru slept on the sofa beside her, his arm behind his head. The glow of the clock on the microwave informed the confused girl it was 11:26. She sighed, falling back onto the small throw pillow she had fallen asleep on in the middle of the ridicolusly boring film. It was just a dream... but... kami-sama... "Wake up," she whispered softly to Mamoru, her heart was still pumping hysterically, the fear had not abated from her body. But his eyes did not open, black hair falling in disheveled strands over his forehead. "Wake UP," Usagi commanded, shaking his shoulder as her voice choked in sudden building panic, "Mamo-chan, onegai, wake up!" He stirred and she jumped back, her hand over her mouth, holding back a scream, until his eyes opened and light blue blinked at her in confusion. "Usako," he mumbled, sitting up, a hand to his head, "What time is it? What's wrong?" Shaking, Usagi felt all the feeling leave her legs, and she ended up kneeling on the floor, one hand pressed to the soft carpet. His arms encircled her. "Are you okay?" She shut her eyes, leaned against his chest. "No," she whispered, honestly. Before he could respond, she threw her arms around him, tightly, and burst into tears. ~~ "So Usagi-chan," Makoto said, walking beside her friend that Monday in the halls at school, "Why, again, weren't you at Rei-chan's sleepover?" Usagi slid blue eyes to her taller friend, and kept on walking. Makoto quickened her pace as well, her longer legs giving her a slight advantage. "If the fire didn't say you were okay, and Mercury's computer didn't process that there was no evil force in the city at that time, we would have been sick with worry!" Makoto didn't sound that angry. Usagi rolled her eyes. "But," the brunette said slyly, "since we weren't worried that something happened, we were really curious as to-" "We fell asleep in front of the movie," Usagi said shortly, stopping in front of her classroom, "If anyone ever tells you to rent Six Days, Seven Nights?" "Hai?" Usagi looked up, grinning. "Run." Then the classroom door shut. Makoto was late to her next class, but mostly because she just stood outside the doorway her friend disappeared into, and tried to figure out what was so different in Usagi's smile. ~~ Luna pressed her small body against Usagi's doorframe that night, watching her get ready for bed. Humming slightly, the girl pulled her hairbrush through damp golden strands, a ribbon held in her mouth. It would have made Luna happy to see Usagi humming, if only it wasn't the funeral march. Sighing, the cat stretched and leaped onto the blonde's bed before Usagi could climb in. The girl froze, the hairbrush still in her hand, the ribbon binding her hair that fell down her back. For a moment they blinked at each other. "Usagi-chan," Luna started, slowly, "Please... will you tell me what you see every night that scares you by day?" Light blue eyes shifted slighty. Usagi sighed, lowered her head. Her mouth opened slightly, as if ready for a confession. Then her mouth shut and her so did her eyes. "Nothing I haven't lived through before," she said firmly. Then she smiled. "Oyasumi nasai!" Luna hardly slept that night. ~~ The radio was playing a tired love song through scratchy static when Usagi woke up the next morning. Amazed, she looked around, realizing two things. First, she got through the entire night without waking up screaming as memories she thought were gone forever haunted her sleep. And two, she was late for school! Hope filled her heart as she stood up quickly, hungry for the normalcy scrambling for her uniform, hairbrush, schoolbag would bring her. She reached up to rub the sleep from her eyes and her smile died a quick death. Salt trickled down her fingers, stained her cheeks, watered her eyes. She had woken up crying. ~~ That ever happen to you? Ah well. You could email me now? **** I love: W. Bymeeh, who doesn't know about this fic MK, who probably wouldn't like this fic And Megs, or DQBunny. Oh, and lots of other people, too. And you if you email me.