Sailor Moon Returns to MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch by Ari WaSPG0LD@aol.com --------------------------------------------------------------------- SAILOR MOON RETURNS TO MTV'S CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH Set four months after her first appearance... _______________________________________________________________________ Disclaimers: The following fanfic you are about to read is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either products of the author's imagination or used ficticiously. Celebrity Deathmatch is TM of MTV Networks. All characters included herein are ? and TM of there respective owners. This fanfic does not reflect the views or opinions of anyone portrayed within. ...anyway, IT'S JUST ANIME!!! Anouncer: Tonight, can a bald Canadian pianist avenge his gap-tooted boss against a black guitarist fighting on behalf of his fallen lantern-chinned mentor? Anouncer: Also, will it be a big haired, big sword-wielding bounty hunter or a gunsworded sailor who will be crowned the king of Final Fantasy? And can a green-haired half breed control all this insanity? Anouncer: The most evil man in America has issued a challange to the champion of love and justice. Will she answer the demonic call? Anouncer: All this and more, tonight, on CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!! Green-eyed anouncer: Hello everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez. Mustached anouncer: I'm Nick Diamond. Bald anouncer: And I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin. And oh, man! This is gonna be one hell of a night. Nick: You're right about that. Two veterans in the forms of Marylin Manson and Sailor Moon are returning tonight. Johnny: As well as a lot of celebrity blood waiting to be spilled. Johnny: In our first fight, CBS Orchestry leader Paul Shaffer takes on the Tonight Show Band's Kevin Eubanks. Steve: We all look forward to that. Ever since the Loch Ness Monster interrupted their electrified razor wire match, sacrificing himself to take out Dave, Jay and Johnny Carson in the process, Paul and Kevin are continuing the grand old late night war. Nick: Their feud has turned into a bomb, and it's going to reach cri- tical mass tonight. But at the very least, that was the best barbecue I ever tasted. Johnny: And after that, Final Fantasy 7 meets Final Fantasy 8 as Cloud Strife challanges Squall Leonheart. Nick: Johnny, let's take a look at what we got here. The greatest maker of games in the Role Playing genre is feeding off both the success of the 7th game in the series AND the anticipation of number 8. But Square has become a victim of its own success, and, hopefully, this bout will help ease the tension some. Johnny: And here's one more piece of information you may wanna know. The lead of Final Fantasy 3 - or 6 if you count in terms of the Japanese series - Terra Brandford is going to be the spe- cial guest referee for this fight. Steve: You know what that means? Final Fantasy 6 through 8 are being represented here tonight on Celebrity Deathmatch. Nick: This all leads up to our Main Event of the evening, where I'm being told that Sailor Moon has in fact accepted the challange of Marylin Manson. Forget about asteroids; this is the REAL armageddon, right here! Steve: Listen to this: in biblical terms, armageddon is defined as the site of the final battle between good and evil. The bottom line is no two celebrities best personify these two qualities like Sailor Moon and Marylin Manson. Nick: And no two have been as successful in Deathmatch history as them, either. First, let's take a look at Marylin Manson's deathmatch record. Johnny: Marylin made a successful debut against Charles Manson, with his signature move, the Tahitian Skeleton Pull of Death. Marylin became a force to be reckoned with. Steve: And then came Deathbown '98. Here we see Hanson and the Spice Girls about to start an all-out brawl in the middle of the ring, and BAM! It was Mary- lin Manson AGAIN, cutting the light rigging down and leaving the arena in pure, unfil- tered wholesale chaos. Nick: Marylin's made his mark again when he took on country legend Garth Brooks, defeating him with his own guitar, Garth Jr. It was my first night back after being in a coma, and he was particularly happy to see me. Steve: Not to take anything away from Manson, but Sailor Moon and co. have had an equally successful career here in the Deathmatch Arena. Johnny: They sure have, Steve. Also, the addition of the Anime Alli- ance championships has only seemed to add to their success. The Sailor Scout Express surges on non-stop, racking up victim after victim after victim. Let's take a look at the Sailor Scouts' record on Celebrity Deathmatch. Nick: Sailor Moon's popularity soared to unbelievable heights when she teamed up with Marle against Lara "Tomb Raider" Croft and Chun- Li. It was here that Sailor Moon finished off Lara with her own move! The week after, she had this to say. Sailor Moon: At this time, I would like to introduce...the two newest additions to the Sailor Scouts: Sailor Guardia and Tuxedo Time! Tuxedo Time: Take a good look at the greatest faction in Deathmatch history, ladies and gents! Sailor Guardia: Lara Croft...I know you're there in the back still milking that knee injury, so whenever you have the b- guts...to get back in the ring with my- self or Sailor Moon, hey, it's like what they say...if at first you don't succeed, come back and we'll beat the crap outta you AGAIN!!! Nick: Sailor Moon made it to the final round of the Anime Alliance Championship against Goku. After a cunning escape fromt the sleeper by Moon, it was all academic from there. Sailor Moon: MOON SCEPTER...ELIMI- NATION!!! Steve: Not to let Sailor Moon hog the spotlight, Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Venus challanged, and easily destroyed, the team of Ellen DeGeneres and kd Lang. Johnny: Then, it was Mercury's turn, as she won a brutal grudge match against Lisa Simpson. It's gooooood! Nick: And then Sailor Mars and the new Sailor Guardia took on Brandy and Monica. It can't real- ly be called a match, actually, because Brandy and Monica fought amongst themselves, and killed EACH OTHER off! Steve: And then Tuxedo Mask and Tuxedo Time, calling themselves the Tuxedo Bros., challanged Keith and Hunk of the Voltron Force for the AA tag team titles. And that was a hell of a battle. Steve: Your new champions, The Tuxedo Bros. Johnny: Both Sailor Moon and Marylin Manson have a lot to live up to, and this is going to be one of - if not - the greatest death- match ever. Nick: In the meantime, let's go down to ringside, where our first bout between Paul Shaffer and Kevin Eubanks is about to take place. [Note: During all the matches, the attention is focused on the match itself. Nick's, Johnny's, and Steve's voices are from off-camera, un- less otherwise stated. Also, by echoing, I mean echoing throughout the arena; s/he is still off-camera.] Johnny's voice: (echoing) First, in the red corner, from the Ed Sulli- van theater in New York City, pianist and leader of the CBS Orchestra, PAUL SHAFFER!!! Paul: Hey you all doin? Good, alright. Get ready for some nutty stuff folks. Johnny's voice: (echoing) His opponent, in the blue corner, from NBC studios in Burbank, California, leader of the Tonight Show band, KEVIN EUBANKS!!! Kevin: (pointing at Paul) Now I'm gonna finish the job that Leno star- ted, baldy! Mills: Okay, you both know what I want from you boys. I want a tough, clean fight. Let's get it on! Kevin: You're through, cue-ball! Paul: You don't have too much room to talk there, buddy. Johnny: Swing-and-a-miss by Eubanks. Nick: But Paul had a little more luck that time. Steve: Paul and Kevin really handling those instruments like pros. Johnny: Nice fencing action going on now. Steve: Nice thrust there by Shaffer. Nick: Eubanks is poised for the kill, now! Kevin: Yeah! Now what?! Paul: Um...this. Johnny: A shower of right hands by Paul Shaffer! Steve: And one more for good measure! Nick: Kevin's gotta think of something fast or else he's done for! Johnny: The Diamond Cutter! I don't believe it! Steve: Cover him! Mills: One, two, three! Nick: Kevin Eubanks wins it with the Diamond Cutter! Johnny: An hard-fought, but incredible nonetheless victory over Paul Shaffer. Let's take a look at the replay. Take it away, Steve. Steve: Do you think that Paul's gonna get off for destroying that bea- uitful guitar of Kevin's? EH-EHH!!! That's what he gets; a concuss- ion, possible broken neck, and a big-ass "L" for his troubles. Nick: But we still have two more great matches to go. We'll be back after this commercial break. Johnny: Welcome back. To those just joining us, we've seen the battle of the band leaders as Kevin Eubanks won a decisive battle over Paul Shaffer. Nick: Now we're getting set for our next deathmatch where Cloud Strife representing Final Fantasy 7 takes on Squall Leonheart of Final Fantasy 8. Let's go back to the locker room where our very own Marv Albert is backstage with Cloud Strife. Marv? Marv: Well Cloud, you got quite a match here against Squall Leonheart. What are you thoughts on him? Cloud: Well, personally- Male voice: Get outta my damn way! Marv: Squall Leonheart?! Squall: Look Cloud, I've had just about enough of you coming out here running you mouth, alirght?! Why don't you put your sword where your mouth is, huh? Cloud: Fine by Me! But hey, we don't have to wait until we get in the ring; how 'bout right here and now?! Nick's voice: Marv, get outta there! Squall: FINE! Cloud and Squall: What the hell?! Female voice: Yo! Terra: Look, why don't both of you shut up and settle this in the ring alright? Marv: Guest ref Terra Brandford saves the day! YyyyyYESSSS!!! Back to you at ringside! Steve: What else can be said that this one's cocked and loaded and ready to fire? Nick: Not much, Steve. By the way, which Final Fantasy's your favor- ite? Steve: Well, I'm not familiar with those types of games, but I'd have to say that number 6 is my favorite. Johnny: I'm partial to number 4, myself. We'll talk about this anoth- er time, as for now, let's go down to the ring where the match is about to begin. Johnny's voice: (echoing) In the red corner, representing the cast and crew of Final Fantasy 7, soldier of fortune, CLOUD STRIFE!!! Tifa: KICK HIS ASS, CLOUD!!! Johnny's voice: (echoing) His opponent, in the blue corner, leader of the upcoming hit Final Fantasy 8, SQUALL LEONHEART!!! Squall: Whaddya think of this guy? Laguna: Squall, buddy, gimme a break, man! He's nothin' but a lame- ass poser. Sure he's got the bigger sword- Squall: Hey...! Laguna: Waiwaiwaiwaiwait...lemme finish...he's got the bigger sword, but he's nothin' without it. No sword, no contest. Squall: Sounds great. Laguna: Go with it. You're beautiful, man. Kick his ugly ass. Nick: Aren't you forgetting someone, Johnny? Johnny: Oh yes, how silly of me. (voice now echoing) The very beauti- ful and talented special guest referee, Final Fantasy 6's TERRA BRANDFORD!!! Steve: Leonheart must be pretty confident and all, focusing more on talking to the photographers and not on his opponent. Nick: Well Stone Cold, he could be more powerful than he looks, you know. We've only seen so far about a few dozen screen-shots of Final Fantasy 8, remember. Nick: Nonetheless, he'll have his chance to prove himself tonight. Terra: Alright boys, here's the routine. In my opinion, since it's not a shock to me that your games didn't make Square go bank- rupt, I want both of you to come at each other with everything you've got. You re- member back in the locker room? Just like that, only this time everyone in the world is watching. Squall: By the way, do you wanna be stabbed or shot to death, Cloud? Cloud: Hmph! Fat chance, squeek. Terra: Alright then...let's get it on! Cloud: Hey Squall, I've been thinking. Let's can the blades...I wanna take you out myself! Squall: No problem with me. Don King: Oh, la-dee-dah! What a night! So many fighters! So much action! I love dis! Mike Tyson: Doeth thith thing work? Squall: This shouldn't be too hard. Nick: Whoa! A nice right cross by Cloud Strife! Johnny: Actions always do speak louder than words here on Celebrity Deathmatch! Steve: Ohhh, no. Things are fixin' to get ugly real quick! Nick: Oh HERE WE GO!!! Johnny: Cloud now, with the advantage. Terra: Whoa! Steve: Watch out Cloud! Nick: Oh my god! Johnny: Terra was too close for comfort on that one! Steve: With Terra out, that means we've got no referee! Anything goes now! Steve: What's he doin' here? Mills: Ms. Brandford, are you alright? Terra: Unnhhhh.... Johnny: Mills Lane has come out to try and comfort Terra Brandford. Terra: Hey, could you do me a favor? Mills: Take over the match? Okay. Terra: No, wait. Cloud: Auuugh! Squall: What the hell? Steve: Mills Lane has a microphone now. Let's take a listen to what he's gotta say. Mills: May I have your attention, please? Thank you. It is in my best judgement - as well as at the request of Terra Brandford - that I officaly make this match...a three way dance! Brandford versus Strife versus Leonheart! Now let's fight! Johnny: What?! Nick: Can he DO that?! Steve: He can, and he did, boys! Business has just picked up in a BIG way, here! Johnny: What good could possibly come of this? Terra, Cloud, and Squall: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Steve: What the hell happened? Mills: Here is your winner Terra Brandford! Johnny: I can not believe what has just transpired in the last minute! We gotta see a replay of this. Nick: After a world shaking announcement by replacement referee Mills Lane, this one-on-one match became a three way dance. If you blinked the first time, you have no idea what you have missed. Johnny: And, coming up after the commercial, we'll have our Main Event between Sailor Moon and Marylin Manson. We'll be right back. Johnny: Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch. We're just about to ready to begin our main event. The most evil man in America, Marylin Manson, has challanged the champion of love and jus- tice, Sailor Moon. Nick: The two greatest fighters ever to come into the Deathmatch arena are gonna collide here tonight, and let me say, this has been a long time coming. Steve: That's right Nick and Johnny, so let's go now to the personal interviews with Marylin Manson and Sailor Moon, as conducted by Celebrith Deathmatch's own Marv Albert and Stacie Cornbred. Marv: Marylin, what was going throught that black, twisted mind of yours when you challanged Sailor Moon in front of millions of people two weeks ago? Marylin: Well Marv, I've fought some of the toughest celebrities in the world, and killed them. Sailor Moon is just going to be another notch in my belt, as far as I'm concerned. Marv: What are your thoughts on Sailor Moon? Marylin: I have a lot of professional respect for Sailor Moon; I'm well aware of her successes, her reputation, um...you know, she's saved a lot of lives, she's saved the world several times, she's got loyal friends, but...don't expect me to hold back for one single second. An opponent is an opponent, good or evil. Stacie: You have quite a fight coming up against Marylin Manson. Do you think you're ready for the most evil man in America? Sailor Moon: I am, without a doubt, ready for him. I couldn't be in any better shape than I am now. Stacie: Really...? How have you been preparations been? Sailor Moon: They've been great; I've watched all of his matches, see- ing, you know, what he does, what his weaknesses are, al- so my matches looking for mistakes and my weaknesses too. Stacie: How does he stack up against some other evils you've fought? Sailor Moon: Actually, I have no trouble with Negaverse evil, but this is human evil; there's a difference. He's no Queen Ber- yl, but I don't underestimate him at all. I'm ready. Steve: A lot of reputation, a lot of pride, and a whole lotta blood, sweat and tears are on the line tonight. I can't wait. Johnny's voice: (echoing) In the red corner, the challanger! A man as dark as the blackest sectors of hell, the most evil man in America, MARYLIN MANSON!!! Johnny's voice: (echoing) His opponent, in the blue corner, hope in its most beautiful form. The champion of love and justice and the Anime Alliance Heavyweight Champion, she is the one called SAILOR MOON!!! Mills: Alright you two, step over here please? Okay, now You're a little love and justice, and you're a little destruction disor- der and chaos. I expect a tough, clean fight, and protect yourselves at all times. Both sides ready? Let's get it on! Sailor Moon: C'mon. What's the matter? Marylin: What's with you tonight? Where's your long-winded speech? You know, your usual introduction? Sailor Moon: I don't need any long-winded speeches! These are all I need to get my point across, right here! Johnny: Wow, Nick, we're seeing a totally different side of Sailor Moon tonight here! Nick: Maybe it's just because of the match, but she is so much more serious than we've seen. Steve: Look at this, too. You notice who's missing here? Nick: Who? Oh yeah! The rest of the Sailor Scouts. Steve: She must have a whole lotta guts or thinks too much of her own abilities to be out here all by herself. Audience: ONE...TWO...THREE... FOUR...FIVE...SIX...SEVEN...EIGHT...NINE...!!! Audience: TEN!!!!! Nick: Unprecedent turnbuckle smashing by Sailor Moon! Steve: It's like what Manson said, and I quote...An opponent is an op- ponent, good or evil. Johnny: You know what that hand signal means? Steve: I think we're gonna see it! Nick: Yes sir, the Tahitian Skeleton Pull of Death claims another vic- tim, in the form of Sailor Moon. Johnny: Just a second, Nick. It seems that Marylin Manson is having difficulty executing the move! Nick: Sailor Moon has countered the Tahitian Skeleton Pull! Steve: But for how long?! Audience: OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Johnny: And Sailor Moon goes downstairs! Steve: Marylin sure did leave a bad taste in her mouth. Marylin: What the hell are you doing?! Sailor Moon: I'm putting a stop to this! MOON SCEPTER ELIMINATION!!!!! Mills: Sailor Moon is the winner! Nick: Chalk up another victory for the Sailor Scout Express! Johnny: Speaking of which, here come the reserves! Nick: More celebrities came and more celebrities went here tonight on Celebrity Deathmatch. Johnny: And before we sign off, Stone Cold, I believe you have some- thing to say, didn't you? Steve: That's exactly right, Johnny. Vince McMahon, you better put your soul in good hands, because your ass is mine! That's right, you piece of trash! You and I are at some point gonna step in that ring over there, and you and I are gonna settle this thing once and for all! So you better be ready, jackass! Johnny: We certainly look forward to your in-ring debut here, Stone Cold. I'm Johnny Gomez, for the entire crew here at Celebrity Deathmatch, good fight, goodnight. THE END