What Tears Lead To
By: a lost cause
1-21-2001



October-2	You know, I'd forgotten what it's like to cry, I really 
had.  The alien feeling as tears brim in your eyes and eventually roll 
down your cheek, leaving their salty tails.  As I sat in the moonlight 
last night, crying like a little kid, for the first time in years, I 
was fascinated with the sensation each tear left on my face and arm 
(where several tears had since rolled to).  It's like laughing a deep 
and true laugh that you haven't laughed in years.  Liberating?  I 
wouldn't go that far, after all crying is often seen as a weakness of 
character, which is something I simply cannot afford.  Now the big 
question afterward was: why was I crying at all, how did all of this 
suddenly cause me to burst into tears (*silent* tears, mind you)?  Me, 
of all people, crying my eyes out.  How?

It's all very simple, and the equation is easy enough to get that 
Odango could understand it:  building up of emotional stress + trigger 
thought(s) that relates to all the build up = one hell of a long night.  
I've always prided myself as being one of *the* strongest senshi, not 
so much as not blinking in the face of, what word did I use?  Oh yeah, 
'emotional stress'? niiiiiice.  I guess it's because of my foolish 
pride that I never told anyone, *anyone* about my real problems, which 
eventually led to me sitting in the dark and crying to myself like a 
child.  I can't remember a time where I'd felt more alone? not so much 
in the physical, person to person sense, but more in the metaphorical 
and emotional senses.  Yes, I have my soul mate with me who loves me 
and is always there when I need someone to listen to me pour my heart 
and soul into words.  Which, obviously, doesn't happen all that much or 
I wouldn't have a reason to be writing my thoughts down so rapidly.  
Either way, there is only one thing I had ever bothered to explain my 
problems to: the wind, my wind.  More than half the time, I didn't need 
to say a word, it would simply gust according to my innermost feelings. 
For a senshi of the skies, such is a wonderful feeling, but it's not 
the same has having a caring human being listen to you and then talk 
with you about anything.  I know that now, but? you know what?  Heh, I 
*still* can't bring myself to troubling Michiru with my problems, even 
though she talks to me with ease about her own.  After her, I wouldn't 
dare go to any of the inners; they all hold me to be what I pride 
myself on, so I'm screwed there.  Setsuna?  Hell, there's no way she 
can't already know all my problems, secrets, regrets, whatever else.  
Hotaru?  She's still too young in my opinion, that is, for all I'd have 
to say.  She is someone who really could do without me dumping my 
problems on her, I mean, think about it: she's the one with the power 
to destroy everything by muttering a few mere words resting in her 
psyche; enough baggage there.  So, guess who I came up with as the 
perfect candidate for my? undoing??  None other than the wonderful 
Chiba Mamoru.  Why?  Gods, it's so simple that I should have seen it a 
long time ago: he's about as screwed up as I am in the head, only with 
different problems.  Who better to sit down and discuss woes over a cup 
of coffee with?  Besides, he's got the whole psychic-attachment-
whatever to the earth, like the wind with me, and since my elemental 
half just so happens to be a vital part of the earth (you know, with 
the whole concept of air and all)? you make your own connections, I've 
been thinking too much as it is.  


October- 3	So, Chiba and I, we both made progress into our psyches and 
our lives, went home to our wives and sat down and talked.  Just 
talked.  I laugh now as I remember the tinge of excitement in Michi's 
eyes while I explained something, seeing as how I'd almost *never* just 
talked to her before.  It was an amazing feeling too, like the times 
the wind would caress me with a gentle breeze to comfort me, only with 
sincere words.  I can't remember where I read or  heard this quote, 
maybe from Michiru, but I really should have realized the reverse is 
also very, *very* true:
"The Sea is nothing without the Wind."


October-4	So, I've made some progress in this life.  I went from my 
childhood of not being able to talk to anyone about anything because I 
thought no one would've understood and thus left me one of the 
loneliest and cynical young teens out there? to? just a handful of 
years ago when all I had was the wind (progress!) and a willing Michiru 
who I wouldn't confide in?. to?. Now.  Now I have both my wind and my 
Michi, and a new companion in past-sorrow whom I would've never guessed 
to share anything beyond a love interest in Usagi (Yeah, Michiru knows 
about that, but she also knows she has my heart for eternity.  Gods I 
love that woman).  Quite the timeline there? humph.  I suppose this is 
a good a place as any to stop.  So, this has been my life for about the 
past two weeks.  Lovely, na?  When I look back on this scrap of paper 
(that shares a home with many other journal-like pieces of whatnot) I 
have no idea what I'll feel or think, but at least I had the nerve to 
document it.  Hey, more progress!  Yeah?..  I'm goin' to bed now, 
there's a spot next to a sleeping angel waiting for me.  Ja na.



End


Author notes--------------------------

Haruka is always seen as this very strong and sometimes cold person who 
seems to keep to herself for the most part.  Granted, she's seen 
talking and such with others, but I mean on the emotional front.  Plus, 
she never seems to just break down, she seems more like the type that 
would bottle up all her angst.  Thus, this fic was born, and it's a fic 
with a not-so-somber ending!  I'm surprised at myself.  Wow.  Anyway, 
hope you had a good read.  I can be reached at saturnkihaku@prodigy.net