A Darker Shade of Pale
by DARK DAY FOR ANIME

Sailormoon is the creation of Takeuchi Naoko, and both Bandai and
Kodansya have a stakehold in its existence yadda yadda yadda......



	Makoto wasn't good enough.  She saw that now.  She had let the
side down by not using her powers as she should have, and everyone
hated her for it.

	She stood on top of the building and looked down at the 
ground, dark save for the few lights that failed to seep into the 
corners of her mind.  There were times when she felt so bad about 
herself, but this was the worst.  Rei had given her a dressing-down 
about her failiure to achieve what should have been achieved in 
their last fight.

	"You should do as the rest of us do."  She had said.  "That
is the only way a Sailorsenshi should operate.  If you can't do
that, at the very least, then you should leave."

	Hates me....  She hates me.  Probably always did.  Probably
always....

	Makoto clenched her fists.  How dare she berate her in this
manner?  She wasn't much better.  Indeed, her efforts were, by far,
less effective against the You...  Against the Car...  Against the
Daim....

	She couldn't remember what the enemy had been, this time.  
Maybe the only enemy was her.  Maybe she was the enemy.  Maybe that
was why they hated her so much....

	Damn that Rei....  She had been playing mind games with her
all this time.  Always saying how she would blow her stack at the
least given moment.  Couldn't Rei see she was contributing the only
way it was possible for her to do so?

	She killed the enemy, after all...  Even if she couldn't 
remember who or what the enemy was...

	Even Ami put in her two cents worth....  Telling her that it
was her worst performance as a Sailorsenshi.  Ami said she would 
never work with Makoto on an individual basis again.  Never!  Why
were they always against her?

	Perhaps it was because they all hated her.  Perhaps it was
because they were all frightened of her, and what she represented.
But Hotaru's powers were more frightening, and Setsuna was still
untrustworthy, even if Usagi had faith in her.

	Makoto paced the roof, putting a hand to her forehead.  Hard
to think, now.  So hard to think of who she was and what she was
fighting against.  The enemy....  It was still there.  It had to be
defeated.  It had to be....

	Usagi...  Her words had been soothing.  She said she still
trusted her.  She said that Rei and Ami were just jealous of her 
power.  HAH!  Jealous, eh?  Yeah, that was it.  They were jealous.
She was SAILORJUPITER, the senshi of the King of Planets.  She had
the GREATEST power.  With her around, everyone was safe.  There was
no enemy who could defeat her.

	And even as she thought this over, she knew it was rampant
bullshit, because she HAD been defeated.  Many times.  She had died
more than once.  She banged her head against the access door.  How
could she be so stupid so often?  How could she fall into these 
traps?

	Minako had tried to make light of the situation.  She said 
that Rei and Ami didn't really mean what they said....  She said
Makoto had performed credibly.  But then, Minako hadn't performed
that credibly, herself, so what would she know?

	Makoto began to jump around.  She was alive... Alive alive 
alive alive alive....

	She wasn't even sure now.  Stream of conciousness was not the
best way for a mind to operate.  She hated thinking about things.
Her thoughts ended up invariably being dark.

	She wanted her parents back.  She sat and curled up into a
little ball and cried like a child,  Too much for her to think 
about.  It reminded her of her own mortality.  But then, she was
immortal.  Functionally immortal.  She'd always been brought back
by Usagi.

	Usagi....  The girl cared about her so much...  Why?  Why does
she care about a violent, self-posessed imbecile like her?  Her 
tears flowed voluminously.  This time, it was the end.  This time, 
the enemy WAS going to be defeated, because the enemy was....  The
enemy was....

	There was no enemy.  Nobody but herself.  Nobody now.  
Everyone hated her because they said so.  She rocked back and forth,
making little keening noises from her throat.


	"May I join you?"  Said the soft voice.  Makoto's head snapped
round, angrily, but she softened when she saw Usagi standing in the
doorway.  "I thought you might have been here."

	"Where else do I seem to be, these days?"
	"Not where you should be.  Not with us."
	"Don't want to be with you anymore.  You all hate me."
	"That's a lie and you know it."
	"Self deception....  My greatest power."  Makoto turned and
rested her chin against her knees as Usagi sat down alongside her.
The girl's hair was increasingly light, these days, the opposite
of her manner....  It was a sobering aspect of Usagi's development.

	"You don't have to fight this alone, you know?"
	"I am alone.  Always been alone."
	"Oh come on....  You were happy when you had your parents.  
You weren't alone, then.  And you regained your happiness when you
returned to us."
	"Self delusion.  I'm not happy, not with anything I do."

	Usagi sighed and looked away.  "I seem to remember your smile.
It was so nice to see....  Always telling us how we were all safe 
with you around...."  She turned back.  "You see, Mako-chan, I KNOW
why you are this way.  YOU know why you are this way.  Things can be
done to remedy the situation.  All you have to do is..."

	"...Take my medication.  Yeah, right.  I fight better when I'm
angrier.  And I hate those pills.  I don't want to touch them.  I 
hate the idea of taking something to feel better.  It seems so 
unnatural."
	"We need you back, Makoto...  We want you back.  The REAL
Makoto...  The one who was always smiling.  The one who would pull 
no punches to help a friend.  These past few months have been hell 
for us, watching you descend like this...."


	Makoto stood and walked over to the railing that lined the 
roof.  Usagi followed her, nervously.  Makoto looked back and shook
her head.  "I'm not going to jump off.  I'm terrified of dying, you
know?"
	"The way you fight, sometimes....  You never seem to think 
about yourself...  Only your friends...."

	"Hmm..."  Makoto looked at the lights of the city.  "I hate
being alone.  The loneliness makes me feel....  When I'm alone, I'm
given time to think...  And I don't like what I think about."


	Makoto looked down.  "You know...  That time we were fighting
that demon thing three weeks ago?  The one that had killed those 
kids and their teacher at the kindergarten...."  She paused.  "The
one I killed...."
	"What about it?"
	"I looked into her eyes, before I blasted her with an energy
punch.  Just for a moment, it felt like I was staring back at 
myself.  The look in her eyes....  I've seen that look in my mirror
a million times.  And you know what?  Later that night, after we'd
arrived back at Rei's temple....  And I walked home by myself, I 
decided to visit the top of a building like this one.  Only it was
taller, and I couldn't see the bottom."

	Usagi remained silent.  Makoto breaths became punctuated with
sobs.  "I looked down into that darkness and thought what it would
be like to fall from there....  To fall into that darkness....  That
was the one true moment where I felt no fear of death."  Tears ran
from her eyes.  "I must have been up there for hours.  I knew, in my
form as Sailorjupiter, that I could virtually leap from that 
building with abandon and land unharmed....  But I...  I just wanted
to know what that darkness was like....  It looked so peaceful, 
and...."  She was shivering now.  "And I can't remember walking 
home.  I can't remember anything from that point until I walked 
through the front door of my apartment...."

	Makoto felt Usagi's arms wrapping around her, hugging her.  It
was almost a signal to let fly....  Makoto almost screamed out what
she was feeling, collapsing against the railing and onto the ground.
Usagi went with her.

	As she began to calm, she could feel Usagi rubbing her 
shoulder.  "Thankyou for sharing that with me, Mako-chan....  I...
think I'm beginning to understand what you've been going through..."

	Makoto slowly turned, wiping her nose, her eyes red, as Usagi
let her go.  "I'm sorry....  I shouldn't be like this.  I'm supposed
to be the strong one, aren't I?"

	"You're human, Makoto.  You're as weak and as frail as the 
rest of us."
	"What should I do?  if things go on this way...."

	Usagi shook her head, and pulled out the small yellow and 
white cardboard package, placing it in Makoto's hand.  "The choice
is yours, Mako-chan....  I can't force it on you."

	Makoto read the packaging.

	CAUTION S4
	Supply without prescription illegal
	Keep out of reach of children
	ANAFRANIL 25
	Clomipramine Hydrochloride
	Tablets 25mg
	50 coated tablets

	She hated making decisions....

DDFA - in one of his darker moments
ayanami@merlin.net.au
9th Mar 1998