A fan fic by Caleyndar.
Rating: PG-13.

Notes: If you dislike male/male relationships, then I 
strongly recommend you not to read this chapter, even though 
nothing is shown "on camera". Actually, you shouldn't read 
this story at all...
	With the coming evening, the darkness touches Shinji's
fragile heart, and he pours out his past to Kaworu. With it
comes tears that touch the Fifth Child's heart and soul. The
Prince of Darkness discovers knowlegde that could save the 
Earth, but destroy the Third Child and cause pain to 
Serenity...

17th Angel (A Tribute to Kaworu Nagisa and Shinji Ikari):
http://members.xoom.com/portalsms/17thangel/

Email: caleyndar@tac.com.au
URL: http://members.xoom.com/portalsms/
	
Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me. The story, 
however, is mine.


Closed Palms...

"It is said that one who hides his palms is without a soul, 
or is one who is content to live in solace from society, one 
who has come to peace with what they are and has discovered 
their own purpose."

Part One: Awakening...

Chapter Four...

	The first trail was over. Having to stand still and 
let that Soldier of Time and Space poke and measure his 
physical shell. Yes, he did like the company of these people 
very much, but not for his scared space to be intruded by 
that women he hardly knew. Luckily though, his imperfections 
had remained unseen beneath his under shirt. So he had kept 
his smile on his face. He had not said a word in complaint. 
Only praise left his mouth to say how beautiful the cloth 
used was, and how the design suited him perfectly. That was 
true. He had to admit it looked good on him, clinging to his 
narrow waist and then flaring down. He loved the tiny buttons 
which were a dark red and matched his eyes.
	Shinji had not taken the whole ordeal well. He was 
embarrassed at having to stand in only his under clothes for 
his measurements, and could not bare to look at Kaworu who 
had stood smiling next to him. Luckily, Setsuna had forced 
the Inner Senshi to wait outside, but still the giggles from 
Usagi and Minako had not helped Shinji. He just became a 
brighter shade of red. 
	But that was over now. Their formal wear would be 
ready for the ball that Usagi and Minako had made them promise 
they would attend. It was time for dinner now, when Usagi had 
said they would meet her new friend. Endymion. Kaworu had 
known who that was the moment he had heard the name. Of course,
he had not let it show. After all, what had a mortal human boy 
the right to know of that dark secret?
	Neither Shinji nor Kaworu had any cloths suitable for 
dinner with the Queen of the Silver Millennium in a palace of 
such grace. But everyone had assured them it did not matter. 
After all, were they not dressed in causal clothes, Usagi 
asked, gesturing to the sweater that was still tied around 
her waist. The last thing Kaworu was concerned about was his 
cloths. Hopefully he would not choke again. That sensation
had been most unpleasant. Especially when Shinji had hit him. 
	"Kaworu, is anything the matter? You are making a face," 
Usagi asked, coming up beside him and hooking her arm around 
his. "My, that must be the first time I have not seen you 
smile!" she laughed. 
	A surprised and innocent expression immediately 
covered the boy?s face, followed by the bright smile. "It is 
nothing, Usagi," he said softly. "I was merely remembering an 
unpleasant memory." It was the truth, wasn?t it? Another 
smile. "Thankyou for being concerned."
	Usagi beamed at him. "Hey, no problem! What are 
friends for?" With that she let go of his arm and skipped 
ahead to catch up with the other Senshi.
	Kaworu stared after her. ?What are friends for?? The 
question echoed in his mind. Indeed, this was what he had 
offered to the Third Child, and more. But friendship was 
different from love. Most certainly, he felt love for Shinji. 
The smile crept over his lips again, and Kaworu glanced over 
at the other boy. Shinji Ikari. So fragile, so easy to love. 
Why? Because it seemed he was so vulnerable, easy to hurt. 
All Kaworu wanted to do was press his lips to the other boy?s 
and tell him everything would be alright. Ah, that was a lie, 
wasn?t it? And was it not a sin to let false words pass one?s 
lips? Sadness. 
	The lighting caught his eyes as they entered the 
dining hall. It dazzled and amazed him, so utterly beautiful, 
the beams of light splitting and magnifying through the 
numerous crystals and glass. One could almost call this place 
Heaven. The smile widened on his pale face, dark red eyes 
brightening. Kaworu could not help up rush up to the long 
dining table and place his hands, palms down upon the cool 
dark wooden surface. So smooth, perfect. And the crystal 
glasses! How they glittered, even empty of liquid. The napkins!
Folded like pale pastel roses! 
	Soft, like a caressing breeze on one?s cheek. Filling 
one?s mind. Music. How he wanted to close his eyes and rock 
to the sweet melody, hum it under his breath. Light yet full 
and lovely. So peaceful. So magical. Song, music. These things 
were worth the most to him, next to love, friendship.
	The presence he had felt in the library. A different 
kind of smile stole over his face. He turned slightly and 
looked into the deep sapphire blue eyes of the Prince of 
Darkness. No words spoken, just the knowing smile and cold 
stare. 
	It was then that the Queen arrived, and all sat down 
to begin their feast. Drinks were poured. Only pure water for 
the red eyed boy. Shinji followed suit, not wanting to be an 
inconvenience. As the entrees were being served, conversation 
arose. Introductions were exchanged between the pilots and 
the Prince. Endymion mouthed Shinji?s name silently, a frown 
appearing for a fraction of a second. No surprise, considering 
its meaning. All the more tragic. All the more worthy of love.
	The music tore him away again. Made his mind drift. 
But that did not matter now. Swallowing was easy now, almost 
natural. And nothing of importance was being said. After all, 
Shinji was for most of the time silent, only answering when 
spoken to. The dark Prince was also silent. Some time soon he 
would have to seek him out and speak with him. Not yet. Not 
now. He was enjoying himself too much. 
	The main meal was over all too quickly. The desert was 
served, and it was delightful. The white creamy substance, 
cold to the touch like snow, yet sweet and wonderful to the 
taste, was almost too much. When offered seconds, he could not 
help himself. Thankfully, Usagi also prolonged the dinner, 
asking for another serve. He would be forever grateful for 
that girl. However, he had to wonder... Had Usagi asked for
seconds as to not make him look out of place? Or did she 
merely wish for more? This girl, with her pure heart, her joy 
for life... She was truly beautiful. Usagi would always be 
able to make him smile.
	It was over, and the evening growing late. Prince 
Endymion had been the first to leave the table. He, more than 
any other, seemed to greatly dislike masses of people. His name 
reflected him. He preferred the darkness, the silence. And 
indeed, he was a master at fading into the shadows. Had it 
not been for Endymion?s distinctly different presence, Kaworu 
would never have picked his dark concealed form out in the 
library. But he had been playing games then. It was the reason 
he had taken that book off the shelf. Well, even angels could 
be cruel, without a sense of mercy.
	The Inner Senshi had all but disappeared, off to do 
their own things. One could only guess, being a boy. The Outer 
Senshi did not dine with them, and often they were on duty when 
the Inners were off. The Queen too had gone, and all of a 
sudden, Kaworu was alone with Shinji. The two walked rather 
aimlessly, tired, but almost reluctant to leave the grand 
beauty of the halls. Neither spoke, just enjoyed each other?s
silent company, eyes drinking their fill of the decorations 
and paintings found wherever one cared to look. 
	Not until they found themselves wandering back towards 
the wing where their rooms were located did Shinji begin to 
talk. Softly, unsurely, his voice broke the silence. 
	"For a long time, I asked myself why I came to Tokyo 3. 
Why do I pilot an Eva? Why do I do what I hate so much, which 
brings me so much anger?" the Third Child said quietly. 
"Before all this, quiet calm days passed without much 
difference. I was not happy, but I was not sad. I think I was 
content. I lived with my teacher, because my Father had 
abandoned me after my Mother died. One of the reasons why I 
hate him so much." Shinji paused. They stood outside his room. 
	Kaworu watched him silently, listening. Shinji seemed 
to be battling within himself. Unsure of what course to take, 
what he should do now. Surely, he wanted to continue the 
conversation, but did not know if it would be proper or right 
to invite Kaworu into his room now, so late into the night. 
	"Shinji, you have something you wish for me to hear," 
Kaworu said kindly, to put the other boy at ease. "I am not 
very tired yet. We can just sit together if you like."
	The Third Child nodded, some what unsure. Never the 
less, he opened the door and walked through, allowing Kaworu 
to follow and close the door behind him. With a flick of his 
hand, the pulled the latch to lock the door. Shinji saw this, 
but made no comment. The dark haired boy just knelt down 
beside the bed, where he had previously deposited his bag of 
belongings. Sounds of rustling before he rose again, rumpled 
bed clothes in his hands. 
	"I don?t want to be alone." Soft words. Almost 
inaudible. So helpless, needing support, comfort. 
	Kaworu walked up to him and smiled softly, 
understanding and sadness plain in his red eyes. He reached 
out and placed his hand on Shinji?s cheek. "You are not alone. 
I am here for you. I will stay with you. Here, now, tonight. 
I will hold you in my arms." No more than a whisper. But it 
was enough. 
	Kaworu leaned forward, lips sealing against Shinji?s, 
warm strong arms enfolding him in a loving embrace. The Fifth 
Child?s arms pressed Shinji closer to him, until their bodies 
were held up against one another. Shinji could not help but 
gasp at these intimate gestures when Kaworu moved his mouth 
away to kiss his neck. Another sound escaped him as the grey 
haired boy slid his hands under his shirt touched his heated 
skin against the small of his back. 
	The room tilted as Kaworu gently pushed Shinji down 
onto the bed behind them and up against the numerous pillows, 
straddling him. Kaworu delicately and gracefully undid the 
buttons of Shinji?s school shirt. Not knowing how to react, 
Shinji mimicked the other boy?s actions.
	"Kaworu... I don?t know if I can do this..." Shinji 
breathed, blushing as he looked up at Kaworu.
	The red eyed boy stopped, looking quite serious. 
"Shinji, if you do not wish for this, I will stop. But I want 
to give you the love you deserve, indeed, every part of me 
that I could possibly give to make you happy..." The longing 
was there. But it was not forceful; only filled with desire. 
	Shinji smiled shyly and nodded.
	Kaworu returned the smile and laid over him, kissing 
his chest, hands sliding down to unbuckle the belt that 
surrounded Shinji?s narrow waist. 
	And for the first time in Shinji?s life, he knew the 
meaning of love.

	The mirror. A device used to reflect the image of 
oneself. Before this thin polished silver sheet covered with 
glass sat Usagi, humming softly to herself as she brushed out 
her long golden hair from their traditional odangos or 
?meatballs? as Rei insisted on calling them.
	Her thoughts travelled back to earlier this evening, 
when her friends had gathered together with her Mother for 
dinner. She could not help but smile at the memories, only 
tainted in part by darker aspects of the night. Well, shadows 
would always exist, even where there was endless light.
	The first informal meeting of Prince Endymion with her 
friends and the two pilots. Yes, he had been cold, with drawn. 
But he had been very polite whenever he spoke. He seemed to 
have taken an interest in Kaworu Nagisa though. And when he 
had seen Shinji Ikari, for a moment, he almost looked as if 
he felt pity or sadness for the Third Child. Her friends had 
gotten along well enough with him, but still they had not
spoken much to each other. That was a first. Her smile widened.
	In reality, neither the pilots nor Endymion had said 
much except when spoken to. 
	Endymion was an observer. He listened and watched, as 
if trying to decipher those around him. Trying to understand 
them in order to understand himself. And always the expression 
on his face remained blank, unless his false smile appeared 
when others talked to him.
	Shinji tried to run away from everything, even a 
simple dinner conversation. But that was because he hardly 
knew them. And he had been hurt so much by people close to 
him. For the short time she had known him, she had seen the 
way Asuka had treated him after her defeat by the Fifteenth 
Angel, and how cold his Father was towards him. It was not 
hard to understand why the boy was so defensive, so hesitant 
to let his guard down, to accept new friends. 
	Kaworu, the newest pilot. He always seemed happy. 
With him there was a light that shone so brightly it effected 
even those around him, to bring a little joy, a little 
happiness. No wonder Shinji had taken a liking towards him, 
despite the fact that he had known him for such a short amount 
of time. It seemed to Usagi that Kaworu was not of this world. 
That is, not like the other humans she had been fortunate enough
to meet. There was so little darkness in him. Only love existed. 
And he was very willing to give that. Unlike so many other 
humans she had met.
	Looking up at the mirror, she smiled at the figure 
behind her, standing in the shadows.
	"You should not be so reserved, Endymion," she said 
in a soft voice, making eye contact through the mirror. "If 
you do not extend an invitation, no guests will come. 
Friendship can only be formed if both sides can understand 
each other."
	The Prince of Darkness stepped out into the light, 
narrowing his midnight blue eyes at the Princess. "Because I 
was not reserved in the past, Princess, I bare pain and 
suffering within my heart." A pause. "But I am glad you are 
my friend, Serenity. That you care to listen to me."
	Usagi smiled and turned around to face him. "Well, as 
you friend, I suggest you spend more time in the company of 
others. Shinji, the dark haired boy you met this evening, is 
in many ways like you. I think it would be good if you two 
spent some time together."
	"Yes, he is like me. I can see the pain in his eyes, 
the fear of being hurt. But he has an Angel by his side, 
Serenity. He does not need a Prince of Darkness," Endymion 
replied, inwardly smiling to himself. "But I will consider 
your advice. Goodnight, Princess."
	The door shut with a slight thud, almost too soft to 
hear. 
	"An Angel?" Usagi asked herself. Perhaps there was 
some truth to her feeling towards Kaworu being not of this 
world. But further questions would have to wait for the new 
day. Sleep called to her now.

	Early hours of the morning. Still some time before 
dawn, when the sun cared to show its face. The two boys laid 
on the bed in Shinji?s room, covered only with a light sheet, 
their crumpled school clothes discarded on the floor. Kaworu 
laid on his back, staring up at the dark grey ceiling, almost 
devoid of light. The other boy laid with his head resting on 
Kaworu?s chest, dark blue eyes half covered by their lids. 
	"I think I was born just to meet you, Shinji," Kaworu 
breathed, a smile that was seen by none appearing on his face 
in the lightless night. 
	The boy blushed in the darkness. "I am happy to have 
meet you, Kaworu," Shinji said softly. "I?ve known you for 
little more than a day... But I think I love you."
	"It brings me joy to hear you say that." Another 
smile. Kaworu lifted his hand and ran his fingers through 
Shinji?s dark and tangled hair. "Your existence defines my 
own," the Fifth Child mused. 
	"Humm?" Shinji lifted his head and looked at the 
other boy. 
	Kaworu smiled. "You make my life enjoyable. Through 
you, I can understand all emotions I feel, and I can see the 
beauty of life as never before. For that, I thank you."
	Such innocence as Shinji looked at him. He did not 
truly understand. 
	It only made Kaworu want to kiss him again. So he did, 
pushing himself up from the bed and pressing his lips to the 
other boy?s. "Just know I will love you for eternity, Shinji 
Ikari," he whispered when he pulled back and looked him in 
the eye. 
	A stab of fear struck Shinji?s heart. Why say such a 
thing? Surely he did not mean to leave him. He did not think 
he could bare to lose another friend. Especially this friend, 
who had shown him so much of his own longings, and had filled 
them as no other ever had. 
	"It is good to talk of the things that hurt you, 
Shinji," Kaworu said softly. "You were going to tell me about 
yourself. I would still like to hear."
	Shinji smiled, and both settled back to their previous 
positions.
	"I received a letter from my Father, asking me to 
come to Tokyo 3. I knew straight away that he would not have 
called for me unless he had a use for me. Deep down, I feared 
this. I wanted to run away. Even then I hated him... But in 
reality, I do not, really," Shinji said quietly, yet the pain 
was clear in his voice. "I wanted him to praise me, to tell 
me I was good, that I wasn?t pathetic, that he was proud of 
me. And so I left everything I knew, and went to him.
	"I can barely recount what happened afterwards without 
feeling sick. The first battle. It was horrific and terrifying. 
I can remember very little. Except for the eye. The face armour 
of the Eva fell away. And that huge revolting green eye 
staring back at me in the reflection. The battles after were 
not so trying. Rei and I worked well together, but I wish she 
could have opened up to me a little. Then Asuka came. Though 
she made my life Hell, I still liked her as a friend. She 
enjoyed piloting an Eva, and she was so full of herself. And 
she hated Rei. She said she acted like a doll too much. For 
some reason, she hated dolls. 
	"None of the ordeals hurt me so deeply that I felt as 
if I could not go on until the Fourth Child was found. They 
never told me who he was until afterwards. And then it was too 
late." Sharp, deep pain. He felt too much. "Some how, the 
Thirteenth Angel possessed Evangelion Unit 03 before the 
synchronisation test with Touji, the Fourth Child. When the 
entry plug was inserted, along with Touji, the Angel awoke 
and destroyed the test site. Units 00, 01 and 02 were sent to 
intercept. My Father commanded the mission." Hatred. Anger. 
"Units 00 and 02 were defeated. Only I was left in Unit 01. 
My Father ordered me to attack. I could not! I knew there was 
another pilot just like me in there. The entry plug proved 
that. When the Thirteenth Angel attacked, I did nothing. My 
Father initiated the dummy plug system. Eva Unit 01 destroyed
the possessed Evangelion. It crushed the entry plug. Touji 
lost his left arm and leg because of that. Because of me. By 
my hands, my Father had mangled my friend.
	"After that, I swore to myself that I would never 
pilot an Eva again. That was a lie. The Fourteenth Angel 
attacked. Units 00 and 02 were defeated. I could not stand to 
see my friends wounded in such horrific ways. Nor those who I 
had come to know destroyed by the Angel. So I piloted it. 
Again. Something happened. The Eva defeated the Angel, but I 
was... I don?t know. Later I was told Eva Unit 01 took into
itself the S2 Organ which would allow it to function without 
a constant supply of electrical energy." Sound of disgust. It 
was the last thing he cared about.
	"Asuka was changed after that. Her sync ratio dropped. 
When the Fifteenth Angel attacked, Asuka tried to defeat it. 
She did not succeed. It was then that the Senshi made their 
existence known to us. They tried to deflect the attack apon 
Asuka, but not before the had Angel raped her mind. Rei 
destroyed it in the end. But Asuka?s sync ratio dropped 
further. And when the Sixteenth Angel appeared, her score had
dropped to zero. The Angel had Eva Unit 00 some how. Again 
the Senshi helped to defend Nerv Headquarters and defeat the 
Angel. Their attacks were not enough, and so I was sent out 
to take some of the heat of Rei." Another pause. He was 
relucent to continue. "She scarified Eva Unit 00 to save me. 
Self destructed. The Angel was destroyed." His words were no 
more than a whisper now. It hurt him greatly to say any of 
these things, to relive the memories. 
	"I thought she had died. By all means, no one could 
have survived such an explosion. But she wasn?t dead. Or so 
they wanted us to believe. I was shown otherwise. That Rei 
wasn?t exactly human. She was the dummy plug system... I 
don?t really understand. She said herself when I talked to 
her again that she was the third. The third Rei. I think, 
some how, she has part of my Mother inside her..." Bitter 
smile. "As for  Asuka... After she was unable to pilot the 
Eva, she ran away. Intelligence found her a week later, and 
she?s in the hospital now." Sadness again. "And that is about 
it. My life up to the time I met you."
	Silence. Only Kaworu?s warm hand on his back to 
comfort him. 
	"Do you think less of me now?" No more than a whisper, 
fearful of the answer.
	The question surprised Kaworu. But perhaps he should 
have expected it. 
	Shinji rose from his resting position and sat up on 
the bed, pulling part of the sheet up to cover himself. He 
turned in the darkness and looked down into Kaworu?s 
compassionate red eyes, waiting for the answer. Always, he 
wanted to ran away. He never wanted to ask questions, opinions. 
He always feared rejection. Perhaps his fragile soul could not 
handle harsh words. 
	Moments passed as Kaworu merely looked up at his lover, 
crimson eyes revealing nothing aside from love. "No, I do not," 
he finally answered. "It makes me love you all the more, 
Shinji. To have the courage to speak of things which hurts 
you does not make you weak. And because you have lived through
them, the fact that you are here now, well, that proves you 
are not a lesser being than others around you."
	A small wavering smile appeared on Shinji?s face. 
Without warning, he fell into Kaworu?s arms and cried. The 
hot tears fell onto Kaworu?s bare shoulder, and their pain 
leaked into his soul. The Fifth Child felt his heart would 
break, and brought his arms up to surround and enfold the 
Third Child, to give what little comfort they could. 

	Light crept over the still lifeless objects scattered 
about the room. It stole over the smooth covers of the bed 
that had not been slept in. For a being that knew all 
necessary knowledge, and did not require sleep, living was 
very tiring. Being alone, doing nothing. It was exhausting. 
	After leaving Serenity, he had merely stood on the 
balcony of his room and watched the progress of the Earth move 
across the sky and the path of the stars. As much as he longed 
for peace of mind, his thoughts would not grant him such a 
request. 
	He knew too much now. After meeting the Fifth Child 
the second time, no doubt remained in his mind. It was almost 
ironic, the simple truth. And he had all but told Serenity. 
But he doubted she would take his words literally. 
	The question now was how to proceed? Sit by and watch 
as the future unfolded? Of course, it would be easy to end it 
all now. But he knew he would not. The same reasons as before. 
He was hesitant to interfere. And some how, it seemed so very 
unlikely the Seventeenth was capable of anything other than
love. The Seventeenth would not hurt the one he felt such 
strong emotions towards, would he? Even now Endymion knew the 
final battle would not be between the Senshi and the Angels. 
No. It would be worse.
	The Third Child. A pity such a young boy would be hurt 
like so. But his name said it all. It was his fate. Perhaps 
he would merge stronger from it all. If he did not die because 
of it.
	Some time still remained. The Seventeenth would not 
act yet. The Seventeenth was also hesitant. Now that the one 
he loved cried in his arms. Now that the child?s tears had 
caused his heart to feel such precise and deep pain. The 
Seventeenth could not bear to plunge another dagger into that 
fragile heart yet.
	But he would. Because though his name was Tabris, and 
he was the Angel of Free Will, he could not deny his reason 
for existence. And he would not be able to resist the call 
from beneath Nerv Headquarters on Earth for much longer.
	And when all this was revealed, when Serenity, who 
had already befriended the two pilots, knew without a doubt 
what must happen... She would feel great sorrow. She would 
feel pain, anguish.
	Again the longing to protect her. He could see her 
face smiling at him. She cared for him so much. In many ways, 
he wished she was like all the other girls he had met in his 
long past. Why could she not be just another pretty face who 
wanted him for his power, his body? Why did she have to be so 
pure of heart and soul, so kind, compassionate! He did not 
understand! 
	The pain of confusion tore through his mind and 
struck his heart. Some how, he would stop Tabris. He would 
stop the Seventeenth Angel. Not for the world, not for that 
innocent and fragile boy. But for her. Because if she felt 
any thing akin to pain, then so would he.

End of Part One, Chapter Four.