Yep, it's time for another parody. Trust me, you'll never think of *either* show in the same way again. There's a few nasty words that would never have been allowed on the air, so you've been warned. All necessary notes are at the end. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Usagi-chan's Island: A Shameless Rip-off of Classic TV By: Gramarye ----------------------------------------------------------------------- We leave all our friends on this tropic shore, Perhaps they will be here forevermore. Maybe a rescue will set them free, Tune in next week and then you will see. -- The original pilot closing (cheesy, isn't it?) ----------------------------------------------------------------------- [The opening credits begin to roll...to a familiar theme song] Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, A tale of a fateful trip That started from this Tokyo port Aboard this tiny ship The mate was mighty sailor...senshi The skipper brave and sure Five passengers set sail that day For a three-hour tour... A three-hour tour.... [Shots of a small boat leaving Tokyo Harbor, several indistinct passengers aboard] The waves they started getting rough The tiny ship was tossed If not for the courage of the fearless crew The "Koi-chan" would be lost... The "Koi-chan" would be lost.... [Shot of a very green USAGI hanging over the railing as REI struggles vainly to steer the ship through a typhoon] The ship set down on the shore of this Uncharted desert isle [Set shot of a beached boat with a large hole in its bow] With Usagi-chan覧 The skipper, too覧 The suspiciously wealthy girl覧 And her...er...partner覧 The idol wannabe覧 And the rest Are here, on覧 [The music is cut off suddenly as two irate figures storm onto the set. We soon see that MAKOTO, who for some reason has her hair down in two braids, and AMI, who is wearing a white lab coat, aren't too pleased with the opening theme] MAKOTO [angrily]: Hey! What's with this "and the rest" crap? We're a part of this story, too. Ne, Ami-chan? [AMI is rather preoccupied, weighing two coconuts in her hands] AMI [thoughtfully, to herself]: Now, I could use these, if I just drained the milk and braided the fibers覧 [MAKOTO punches her in the arm, and AMI squeals] AMI: That wasn't necessary! MAKOTO: Gomen, Ami-chan, but this is just too important. Now then, Lyrics Singers-tachi, I want a *better* ending to this pathetic excuse for an opening theme. Got it? Otherwise, I'll have to do something about it myself, and then who will clean up the mess? [She drags AMI, who is still toying with the coconuts, out of the shot] [The music slowly starts up again, right before the offensive lines] ...The idol wannabe The Professor and Mako-chan Here, on Usagi-chan's Isle! MAKOTO [from off]: That's better. * * * [The show opens up in a clearing in the center of the island. There is a circle of several rough huts, with a picnic table in the center. We see the unfortunate shipwreck survivors sitting around the table, listening to a battered radio. HARUKA is lying the sun in a fashionably worn shirt and shorts, with a pair of expensive-looking sunglasses shading her eyes. MICHIRU, wearing a rather skimpy bathing suit, is painting her fingernails with green nail polish. MINAKO is flipping through a fashion magazine. All three of them look bored.] HARUKA: I'm bored. MICHIRU: Same here. MINAKO: There's nothing good on the radio. Why do we always have to listen to the news? HARUKA: Because we need to see if anyone's noticed we're missing yet. MICHIRU [in a nonchalant tone] It's been over a month. And besides, why would our families, or anyone else for that matter, be looking for us? Usagi-chan is the only one of us who has a real, nuclear, 2.7- kids-and-a-pet family. MINAKO [angrily]: Are you saying that my family is dysfunctional? MICHIRU: Iie. But then again, your family is never *mentioned*, ne, Minako-chan? For all we know, you could be living with your uncle's second cousin who likes to bite the heads off frogs at parties. MINAKO [offended]: Hey, who told...uh, never mind. [A long silence, broken only by the drone of the radio in the background] [MINAKO thinks for a moment, then sets her magazine down] MINAKO: Michiru-san, Haruka-san...what would you be doing if you weren't here? HARUKA [sighs]: Minako-chan, we've been over this a billion times, and the answers never change. I'd be racing. MICHIRU [blows on her nails]: I'd be shopping. Maybe. [There is a fizz and a crackle of static from the radio] MICHIRU: Would you get that for me, Minako-chan? My nails are still wet. [MINAKO shrugs, and heads over to the radio. Just before she turns it off, the announcer's voice clears and the static dies down] ANNOUNCER:...and that from the traffic helicopter over the massive car pile-up on the expressway. Now, onto sports. Earlier today, the F-1 racing circuit saw the emergence of a new star onto its course. The young Yamamoto Kenji, a previously unknown racer, stunned the crowds with his record victory at yesterday's race. He takes over the place which had been held by the talented Tenoh Haruka, who has not been seen on the tracks for several weeks覧 [The announcer's voice dies away, lost in a hiss of interference] [HARUKA screams, and lunges for the radio. The radio dies in a cough and a splutter, and she screams again. Running footsteps approach, and USAGI, REI, and MAKOTO approach the clearing, carrying firewood.] USAGI: Hey! What's going on? [They attempt to pry HARUKA off the radio, and finally succeed覧but only after REI ends up with a bloody nose and USAGI is thrown against a tree. HARUKA falls to the ground and sobs.] MINAKO: She heard some news that upset her. REI [stuffing tissues up her nose]: No shit. MINAKO [hurt]: There's no need to get all snippy, Rei-chan. I'm in the same boat as you. Or rather, out of the same boat as you. I'd rather be home, practicing for auditions. MAKOTO: Well, the radio is dead again. Whose turn is it to recharge it this time? [All look at MICHIRU, who panics] MICHIRU: Well, er, you know, I really have to...[looks at her watch]...Oh, my, would you look at the time! I have to go and do...something. Ja ne! [MICHIRU darts off] REI [voice slightly muffled by tissues]: Usagi, get the bike. USAGI [whining and rubbing her head]: But Rei-chan...I wasn't the one who broke it! Why do *I* have to pedal the baka bike? REI: Because I said so. And that's an order, Usagi! [With some grumbling, USAGI trudges into one of the huts and emerges carrying a bike, made out of bamboo. She hooks it up to the radio, and begins to pedal, slowly at first, then increasing speed] HARUKA [getting up, sniffling]: I need a cuddle. Where's Michiru? [The others point to where MICHIRU was last seen. HARUKA heads away, still very depressed] [Scene change] [Cut to shot of a dark moss-covered cave surrounded by palm trees. A lone figure walks out of the cave. He is OKUBYOU, a cowardly youma from early in the first season. He looks like a typical, generic youma, with stringy gray hair, a permanent snarl, and purplish skin. The reason for his presence...well, he's not even sure why he's here.] OKUBYOU: Two years...two *years* I've been stuck on this primitive island! If Queen Beryl-sama and Jadeite-sama knew I was AWOL, they'd kill me for sure. [He pauses, considering] Then again, this place isn't *that* bad. [Rustling sound comes from the nearby bushes] OKUBYOU: Speak of the devil! That must be one of them! Who *else* would be in a place like this? [He hides in the cave. HARUKA comes crashing through the bushes] HARUKA [calling]: Michiru! Lovey! Michiru! For someone who doesn't want to pedal that bike, you run pretty fast! [There's no answer, and HARUKA flops down onto a rock in front of the cave. OKUBYOU pokes his head out of his hiding place, but HARUKA has her back to him and doesn't see him] HARUKA: There's no sense in tiring myself out. I'll just wait here until Michiru stops playing games and decides to come back. [HARUKA slides off the rock and sits, leaning against a palm tree. Predictably, she falls asleep in a few moments. OKUBYOU emerges from the cave] OKUBYOU: So there's someone else here. *Two* someones, in fact. [He stares at the sleeping HARUKA] He doesn't *look* like one of Beryl's, and he's certainly not one of those cursed Sailor Senshi. However, with all the new technology looks can be deceiving. [He produces a length of rope] I'll just have to tie him up. [Scene switch] [Cut back to the home camp. USAGI is still pedaling furiously on the bike, and MAKOTO is mixing something in a hollowed-out coconut] USAGI: What's...for dinner...Mako-chan? MAKOTO: The same thing we have every night, Usagi-chan. Coconut bread, coconut milk, and berries. USAGI: *Again*? [She stops pedaling.] MAKOTO [shoves the coconut shell away from her]: Look, Usagi-chan, do you think I *like* making everything from coconuts? My hands smell like coconuts, my skin is all sticky from the milk, my fingernails are worn away from scraping at the fibers. I swear, I *dream* about stupid coconuts. If *you* can find something better, I'd like to see you try! [REI walks into the campsite, holding a small fish in front of her on a string] REI: Look, minna, I caught a fish! MAKOTO [sarcastically]: Great. What did you do, Rei-chan, catch it in your hat? [REI puts her hands on her head and nervously adjusts her navy cap, which looks suspiciously familiar] REI [indignantly]: And after all the time I spent trying to catch this disgusting thing, too! USAGI: That's okay, Rei-chan. Mako-chan can make a stew. MAKOTO [mumbling to herself with increasing sarcasm]: Sure, Mako-chan can make the stew. Mako-chan can spend *all* of her time cooking food for Usagi-chan to gobble up in half a minute. [She throws down her spoon] Well, if you want food, Usagi-chan, you'll have to make it yourself! REI [in mock horror]: No! Please! *Anything* but that! [USAGI sticks her tongue out at REI] USAGI: Rei-chan no baka. [turns to MAKOTO] Don't be angry, Mako-chan. [MAKOTO grumbles, then walks off] REI: Wonderful, Usagi. Now who's going to cook? [Scene switch to middle of jungle/forest] [We see that HARUKA has been gagged, trussed up, and hung upside down from a palm tree. Her face is bright-red覧all the blood has gone to her head. MICHIRU wanders into the clearing, but doesn't see HARUKA, who is partially hidden by the palm fronds] MICHIRU: I'm lost. [HARUKA sees MICHIRU, and tries to speak, but is muffled by the gag] HARUKA: Mmfrph! MICHIRU [overdramatically]: It's *so* hot and smelly out. HARUKA [more urgently]: Mmfrphru! MICHIRU [finally hears a noise, and looks around]: What *is* that sound? HARUKA [almost screaming]: *MMFRPHRU!* [MICHIRU pushes aside the leaves, revealing HARUKA tied up in the tree. She rips off the gag, and HARUKA gasps for breath] HARUKA: It *took* you long enough, baka! MICHIRU [huffily]: Well, how was I supposed to know? HARUKA [in a high-pitched voice, mocking MICHIRU]: "It's *so* hot and smelly out!" We're in the middle of a jungle! What do you expect, trees with air-conditioning? [MICHIRU opens her mouth to retort, but OKUBYOU (who has crept up behind them) claps a hand over her mouth] OKUBYOU [happily]: *Now* I've got you! That takes care of the two of you. Maybe Beryl-sama won't kill me if I come back with two humans for her. [A montage of several scenes run past. 1) MAKOTO stomps angrily through the bushes. A hand slips out from behind a nearby tree and grabs her. 2) REI and USAGI are arguing, presumably about MAKOTO's whereabouts, and MINAKO suddenly takes the initiative and sneaks out behind their backs. 3) MINAKO wanders around the woods, obviously searching for her friends. Her foot is caught by a snare, and she is swept up into a tree.] [Cut back to REI and USAGI. USAGI is still on the bike and still pedaling] USAGI: Where *is* everyone? REI: Dunno. USAGI: Is this radio charged yet? [REI turns the dial. The radio fizzles for a moment, then turns off] REI: Keep pedaling. USAGI: Rei-chan, I need to know something? REI: What? USAGI: Have you ever seen Michiru-san wearing the same outfit more than once since we've been here? [REI thinks for a moment] REI: I don't think so. Why do you ask? USAGI: Well, we've been here over a month. It was only supposed to be a three-hour tour, ne? REI: Your point? USAGI: How much did Haruka-san and Michiru-san *bring*? [Realization dawns on REI's face] REI: Hey, that's right! And I've been wearing the same shirt, pants, and hat since we got here! How *dare* they hoard clothing! When I get my hands on them, I'll give them a piece of my mind.... [REI dashes off] USAGI [shouts after her]: Rei-chan! [Cut back to jungle. HARUKA, MICHIRU, MAKOTO, and MINAKO are all trussed up and hanging upside-down from trees. OKUBYOU is gleefully rubbing his hands, or what passes for hands in youma] OKUBYOU: What a catch! [Various muffled noises, including some distinctly threatening sounds from MAKOTO and HARUKA] OKUBYOU: Queen Beryl-sama will be pleased with me. Maybe...she won't make me fight Sailor Moon! [dances for joy] [The girls look at each other, and double their attempts to get free] OKUBYOU: Maybe...wait! [There is a noise from the bushes on the other side of the clearing, and REI walks into the clearing] REI [blinks]: Hey! What's going on here? OKUBYOU: Someone else! [He heads toward her, cackling menacingly] REI [seeing OKUBYOU]: A youma? Here? OKUBYOU [freeze]: How...how did you know I was a.... REI: I don't know what you are doing here, but I won't let you tie up my friends! MARS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP! [OKUBYOU shields his eyes from the henshin] MARS: Flame...SNIPER! [The burning arrow cuts through the ropes, and the others fall to the ground. They recover with remarkable speed] HARUKA: URANUS PLANET POWER, MAKE UP! MICHIRU: NEPTUNE PLANET POWER, MAKE UP! MAKOTO: JUPITER CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP! MINAKO: VENUS CRYSTAL POWER, MAKE UP! [They quickly henshin and assemble in a menacing group] OKUBYOU [babbling with fear, raising his arms to shield himself]: L-l- look, I-I don't want t-to m-make any t-t-t-trouble覧 MOON [from off]: Didn't think to invite me to the party? [The SENSHI turn to look at ETERNAL SAILOR MOON, who is standing on top of the cave] MOON [dramatically]: It's bad enough that we are stuck on this island, but to have a youma appear and make things worse...I won't forgive that! MARS [cuts in]: How long have you been up there? MOON [snidely]: Long enough to know that you need help, Mars. [Before MARS can reply, MOON begins her speech] MOON [accompaning the words with her traditional hand gestures]: For love and justice, I am the sailor-suited pretty soldier, Sailor Moon! In the name of the Moon, I will punish you! [OKUBYOU screams in terror and runs away, crashing into a palm tree. One of the coconuts is loosened by the collision and falls from the tree覧directly onto MOON's head. She collapses] ALL SENSHI: Sailor Moon! [MARS runs over to MOON, and kneels down beside her] MARS: Sailor Moon! [There's no response. MARS grabs MOON by the shoulders] Sailor Moon!! [Still no response. MARS starts to panic] *Usagi*!! [MOON remains out cold, and MARS shakes her violently] MARS: [Almost in tears] Little buddy! [MOON's eyes snap open, and she sits up] MOON: *WHAT* did you just call me? [MARS turns bright red, and the others snicker] MARS [embarrased]: Never mind, never mind. OKUBYOU [interrupting, nervously]: Look, I know that you all are Senshi, and we're supposed to be mortal enemies or something, but I really don't want to do anything to you. Really. [The SENSHI look startled] NEPTUNE: It has to be a trick. OKUBYOU [quickly]: No, no trick. I swear. VENUS [hesitantly]: So you don't want our energy? OKUBYOU [with a slight shudder]: Please, *anything* but that. MARS: Or our heart crystals? OKUBYOU [shakes his head]: Nope. JUPITER: Or our Dream Mirrors? OKUBYOU: What are those? URANUS: Or our Star Seeds? OKUBYOU: Wow, you people *have* been busy. MOON [suspiciously]: And you aren't planning to brainwash my Mamo-chan, are you? OKUBYOU: What does this look like, Yaoi TV? [The SENSHI smile] MOON: We could heal you, you know. You don't have to be a youma for the rest of your life. OKUBYOU: Thanks, but no thanks. I don't want to leave here, actually. You can't imagine what it was like in the Dark Kingdom覧I hadn't seen the sun for more than minutes at a time before I came here. I hope you find your way home soon. MARS: That's easier said than done. MOON [looking around]: Minna...has anyone seen Ami-chan? [There is a loud explosion from off, and AMI comes crashing through the bushes, her white coat filthy and her hair matted. She is wearing her glasses] AMI [triumphantly]: I've done it! I've done it! NEPTUNE [expectantly]: Yes? AMI: It took forever, and I had to use a ton of coconuts and all the aluminum foil we had, but I've finally done it! VENUS: Yes? AMI: Minna, I present to you覧 [They lean forward in anticipation. Ami reaches behind her and pulls out a crude wooden contraption] AMI: *A solar-powered hot dog cooker!!* [Dead silence] MARS [ominously quiet]: Nani? AMI: It's the answer to all our cooking needs! We can have freshly cooked hot dogs anytime we want, without worrying about burning them. Plus, it runs on clean and efficient solar energy! What could be better than that? [The SENSHI turn in a synchronized movement to look at URANUS, who steps forward] URANUS: Ami-chan, your IQ is rumored to be around 300, ne? [AMI nods] URANUS: And you've made this wonderful...machine for us, and we are very grateful. [AMI nods again] URANUS: I just have one question覧 AMI: Hai? URANUS [screams]: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST *FIX* THE DAMN BOAT AND GET US OFF THIS FUCKING ISLAND! [AMI faints. JUPITER rushes to catch her, and the others crowd around her as the scene fades] * * * [Ending credits] [Credits shown to a shot of USAGI and REI stacking wood for a fire, with the others grouped around them. In the middle of the stacking, USAGI drops a log on REI's foot. REI hops around, shouting words that can't be heard. A tongue war with liberal 'bii-daa' action ensues] So this is the tale of our castaways, They're here for a long long time. They'll have to make the best of things, It's an uphill climb. The first mate and her skipper too, Will do their very best, To make the others comfortable, In their tropic island nest. No Pocky, Pretz, or nikuman Not a single luxury. Like Northwestern Hokkaido, It's primitive as can be. So join us here each week my friend, You're sure to get a smile. From seven stranded castaways, Here on Usagi-chan's Isle. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- This story takes place after the end of Stars, based on henshin phrase and attacks. No, I don't know where Setsuna and Hotaru are, but only seven people could fit on the boat and I didn't want to drag them or Mamoru into the story. Okubyou means "coward" in Japanese, and Koi- chan is as close as I wanted to come to the S.S. "Minnow". I don't even *like* Gilligan's Island, but the storyline just seemed to fit. Oh, and the line "What's with this 'and the rest' crap?" is from MST3K: The Movie. Standard Disclaimers apply. Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon is copyright of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha, TOEI, and other companies I'm probably forgetting right now and who would hurt me severely if they knew the liberties I was taking. Gilligan's Island is copyright of Gladasya-UA TV. Gramarye January 20, 2000